Worry List (#29)

As I’ve said in other blogs, one of the most frustrating aspects of prison is the sense of helplessness you feel when things happen to your family and you can’t do anything. I struggle with anxiety about the future. How will I provide for my family, how is my oldest son, Connor, going to adjust to a new school, it my wife getting enough rest as a single mom with two young kids. The list goes on and on. I believe the verse Matt. 6:34 is where Jesus talks about not worrying about tomorrow because tomorrow will worry about itself. That’s a tricky one for me to apply, because what does that mean for today, that I have to take care of the trouble or that each day brings its own troubles, so best not to worry about any of it, etc.

I understand that the main point is to pursue and seek the things of God, and to not get caught up in the worries of the world. But, I still worry about my family, my kids, my wife, and so on. How do I stop? This is where I struggle. I still worry about my son’s change in schools, even though it is still 8 months away. These things pop into my head whether I seemingly want them to or not. I can’t stop thinking about the future. I can’t simply say, “God, find me a job that will take care of the huge debt I have” and then expect God to do that. I believe God will provide what I need, but I also need to be a good steward of my time. How do we reconcile this dilemma of not worrying, trusting and not wasting time. I think my friend, Doug Gamble, another prisoner here, had a great idea about this.

Doug has a lot going on at his home. He lives in Oregon so he’s physically quite distant from his family. He doesn’t have a whole lot of money to call his wife or other people. He’s a lot like everyone here. He can’t help his loved one when things go wrong. He told me yesterday after two tough weeks that he had been worried about thing happening at home and frustrated that he couldn’t help. Then he shared an idea with me. Each day he was going to make a list or add to an existing list of all the things going on at home. After praying about each one, he would create a new list every day of the things that he could do from Taft to help. His first realization was the most interesting. There were many things on his list that he could not control or with which he could provide help because he is in Taft. Most of it would not be relevant until he got out of prison anyway. He was surprise to see how many things he worried about that he couldn’t do anything about anyway. I think this is where Doug’s faith plays a huge roll. He tells me to let God worry about that stuff, and he just prays and tells God that he can’t worry about and to let God figure it out.

As he would go through his list of worries, he would also create a list of things he could do that day to help any of the situations. For example, if he was worried about his wife not knowing how to handle a financial matter, he would write on his list, “call wife and explain how to take care of financial matter.” If he didn’t have enough money to make a phone call, then that wouldn’t be something he could do that day. He might write instead, “write a letter to wife about financial issue.” In this way he was a good steward of his worries and time. He was doing what he could today about the issues, and not worrying about thing over which he could not control. His frustration and anxiety decreased. Rather than wandering around the track worrying all day, he was busy doing what he could from his list, praying over the other stuff, and moving on with his life.
After a while, Doug noticed that his list of things he was worrying about was getting shorter, as he pared down what he couldn’t control, and took care of what he could, he realized that two things were happening. He was trusting God more and praying rather than worrying. He figured that perhaps one day he would simply be in prayer over anything that seemed to be causing him to worry rather than worrying about it long enough to even make a list. I guess that is the goal. To offer things to God before they fester into worry. I think Doug is on his way, and I like the model for my own life.

Jeff