Blog - Why?

I remember rather vividly a question I was asked by another inmate about a month after my arrival here. I was in the herb garden and another 30-something white guy, (I specify the age and race because 30-something Caucasian males seem to be a small group here), asked me, “Why are you here?” The simple answer to that is the federal government decided to prosecute me and it’s not easy to beat them.
I thought about the “why” question more. I’m sure someone in your family has asked you, “Why did you do it?” I know my wife has asked me that question and, lately, my 6 year old son has asked another version of the “why” question. Unfortunately the “why did you do it?” question is not easy to answer.
There are some guys here who knew they were committing crimes. They knew that if they were caught they would go to prison. In spite of this they continued with their actions knowing that prison was part of the risks involved. There is another group of guys here that you look at and wonder, just as the inmate asked me, “Why are you here?” While I’m sure you can segregate out various groups of men, I want to talk about the group that by all appearances and by talking with them elicit the question, “Why are you here or why did you do it?”
I’ve already discussed in an earlier blog the effects of depression and anxiety that I have heard from a number of otherwise normal inmates. I believe that when we suffer from depression or anxiety, the decisions we make are not necessarily logical or thought through. Looking back at my own decisions I can see how I was unable to process the impact or possible results of my decisions. I also didn’t want to ask for or receive any advice once I started down the path of making decisions that were guided by anxiety and depression.
I don’t think it’s such a stretch to see how anxiety or depression impacts decisions. Some of our spouses or family members may make completely illogical purchases of clothing, electronics or even medication as a response to the feelings of anxiety or depression. I’ve known couples where one spouse just buys things to combat the depression. While this is not a crime it can ruin a family just as easily if the things are too expensive for the family’s income. Drugs and alcohol addiction usually start with feelings of anxiety or depression. The point is that when we suffer from anxiety or depression we tend to make decisions without thinking about or realizing the likely outcome. To answer the question “Why did you do this?” the response in some cases is “I don’t know. I thought what I was doing would help and I couldn’t see the problems associated with my decisions.” It’s possible to say that those of us who committed crimes and suffered from anxiety or depression were temporarily insane. If insanity is defined as making decisions without realizing what the outcome will be, then it is.
I think there is another reason that otherwise normal people commit crimes. In a way it is similar to the effects of depression in that the logical outcome of the action usually won’t match what the person intendeds. I’m speaking of anger. As a parent I can recall a situation where my son did something he wasn’t allowed to do. However, my response was extreme anger. While I would never strike my child, I did yell. This was stupid. The action I took was not going to teach my child. The consequence of my yelling probably caused more harm than my child’s action to begin with. I sometimes wonder if maybe some men are in prison because of a temporary lapse in the control of their anger. I’m sure we’ve all heard stories about moms or dads who murder their children and then they plead temporary insanity. Maybe that’s what it is. Again the answer to the question of “Why did you do this?” is possibly “I don’t know”.
I know a lot of men here wonder about the choices they made that got them here. Some of them still answer, “I don’t know.” I still can’t fathom how I walked down the path of bad decision after bad decision. I look back and think, “That wasn’t me. None of those decisions reflect the person I was and am.” I have to wonder if the effects of depression, and for some people the effects of anger, have that great an impact on us that we do things we can’t fathom even doing. I know I didn’t intentionally screw up my life and that of my family. For some reason I couldn’t see clearly what the outcome of my decisions would be.
I’m not a psychologist and I don’t have any answers to preventing bad decisions made through anxiety or anger. What I don know is that someone will read this who is either asking the question, “Why did you do this? Or has been asked that question. All I can say is the answer may truly be “I don’t know”. I do know that some of us who have made bad decisions certainly didn’t intend the pain we’ve caused.

January 2009 Quarterly Update

It has been a while since I posted a blog. Actually it’s been 3 months because my last blog was the October 2008 Quarterly Update. I’m now writing the January 2009 Quarterly Update. I apologize for the slowdown in posts. My brother, who was posting these for me, became too busy, so my father-in-law is now going to post. I’m amazed at my father-in-law. He spends a lot of time helping my wife watch our 2 boys. They use up a lot of energy. I hope my father-in-law has some left for the blogs. I hope to write more frequently again now that I have someone who can help.
A lot has happened since October. I call this the Holiday Period. In the 3 months since I last wrote, I’ve missed 4 holidays: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Day. Needless to say it’s difficult to be away from your family during the holidays.
The bright spot in that time was my long awaited furlough. I was denied a furlough in April, but finally was approved in early October. The actual date of the furlough was December 20th. A furlough is a chance to get away from the institution for a set period of time. The initial furlough an inmate receives is 14 hours. This is what I had and there isn’t much to do in Taft or the surrounding area in 14 hours. Since it was close to Christmas I wanted to do some Christmas shopping for my kids. My kids did not come down for the furlough because it was too short of a time to justify 8 hours of traveling. Also my wife and I didn’t think my kids would understand why I was going back to the prison.
Some of you may think it is a waste of time to shop on a furlough, but one thing I’ve tried to accomplish here is to be a part of my kids’ lives as much as I can. I felt that actually picking out a gift from me to them would help me connect with them. It may be a small thing, but a lot of small things become memorable when they are put together.
One other thing I wanted to do was get real coffee. I never drank coffee until I got here. The only reason I started was coffee is cheap caffeine. Unfortunately, it’s not so cheap the way I make it. I’m not even sure it’s coffee. I put a teaspoon of coffee (instant of course) in a cup along with 2-3 tablespoons of hot chocolate, 1/2 teaspoon of non-dairy creamer, 1 pack of Sweet’N Low, and either a peppermint candy or cinnamon candy. Our first stop on the furlough was a Starbucks. I chose peppermint mocha. The grande was $3.80 . I was expecting something fantastic for $3.80 . What I got didn’t taste that much better than my 40¢ prison mocha. Now I’m not a coffee connoisseur so don’t think I know what I’m talking about. My point is the Starbucks wasn’t ten times as good as what I make.
The holidays were similar to last year. We had a pretty good Thanksgiving lunch and all the inmates received the Christmas bag. The Christmas bag is a bag of snacks and candy that the inmates get each year. My bag only lasted 1 week. Last year we also received a Christmas snack about a week before Christmas. This year the administration decided to not give us the chocolate milk and cookie.
The only thing I noticed this year is that Christmas Eve was much more festive, while New Year’s Eve was not. Last year New Year’s Eve was the most festive day of the year. I think this may have been my dorm. We didn’t get to shop the week of New Year’s Day so nobody had food to eat. When people get together and cook it’s a much happier time. The reason for not shopping is too long a story for this blog.
In early December, I went through my first BOP Audit as the fire and safety clerk. What a fiasco. My job was not much fun during November leading up to the audit. I had to explain on several occasions that I had no experience in fire and safety. At one point the sergeant wanted me to take responsibility for the fire sprinkler system in the dorms. Some of the sprinklers were out of alignment. I have to say that making an unqualified inmate responsible for something that only professionals should handle is a recipe for disaster. This kind of thing seemed to happen every week. I was also told to do the same job week after week by different people. Trying to say, “I already did that” doesn’t go very far.
I have been taking some classes these past 3 months. I finished Excel. It’s difficult taking a computer class when the computer lab is closed half of the time. It’s a good thing I know Excel or I wouldn’t have finished the class. I’m also taking crochet. This doesn’t sound like a class your would take in prison, but it’s very popular. It does pass the time, but I’ve also found that I can make a few things for my family. That makes it worth the stigma of working with yarn.
It was a difficult 3 months for me. Obviously the holidays are difficult. I also missed my younger son, Evan’s, third birthday. I’m thankful that I had some positive things to get me through. I’m also thankful for all of you that helped my wife and kids during this time. It makes a huge difference. The best news is I will be home next Thanksgiving and Christmas. Knowing it’s you last Christmas away from your family helps get you through.