Jeff's Life

2 YEAR MILESTONE

2009-04-28T10:20:00.000-07:00

April 13, 2009 marks my second year at Taft Federal Prison Camp. Two years is a long time to spend anywhere. The journey, or whatever you want to call this, is almost over. I have three and a half months before I leave the camp and go to the halfway house.

A lot has happened since my last quarterly update in mid-January. It was only about a week after my last update when several friends of mine were baptized. For those of you who are unfamiliar with what baptism is, I’ll briefly explain. Getting baptized is an outward or public statement that you are a follower of Jesus Christ. The act of being submersed in water and coming out symbolizes Jesus’ death and resurrection. To many Christians, it’s an important event and one that we celebrate. Because the Protestant church here encompasses many denominations, these men were not being baptized into a church or to a specific denomination. They just wanted to show publicly that they had received Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior.

The event was important to me because a couple of guys with whom I had spent considerable time, were baptized. It was encouraging to me to see that my relationships with these men were worthwhile. It was bittersweet as well because one guy in particular with whom I was a good friend has left Taft Camp to go to the drug program. I miss the friendship and laughs that we shared, but I know the drug program will help him get more time off his sentence and allow him to resume his life [sooner].

It turns out that this past three months could be summarized by “friends leaving”. In late March, my bunkee Munson, left. I had lived with Munson for fourteen months, about half of my total time here. Munson made me laugh and he was a great bunkee. I’m a big believer in having a bunkee you get along with. It makes the time much easier to do. Why add stress to an already stressful situation? Sometimes you can’t help whom you live with, but with patience you usually can reduce a bad situation from occurring.

My Dad is a good example. He lived in a two-man cube for fourteen months before he moved. He now lives with me. He might have been able to move sooner, but he probably would have gotten an unknown bunkee, a middle two-man cube and a cube not much quieter than what he had. I’m not going to say my cube location is any quieter than his other options, but it’s a window cube, which, in my opinion, is highly preferable.

I’ve only lived with my Dad a few weeks now, but I would rather have Dad than most other options. My Dad is very different from Munson. Munson would talk, make jokes, and converse on a variety of topics. My Dad mostly reads and does crossword puzzles. My Dad can converse on a wide variety of topics; he just usually doesn’t. Nonetheless, I’m glad I have some sense of familiarity. I’m learning some things about my Dad that I didn’t know. For one, I had no idea he did crossword puzzles or Soduko. I had no idea he like corn chips so much, either. He is very routine, which explains a lot about where I got my anal retentive personality. It’s from my Dad!

Probably my closest friend during my time here left on Easter Sunday. Doug had been here twenty-two months. Those twenty-two months were much better for me having someone to talk to and laugh with. Doug was an answer to my prayers early on that I could find a close friend.

Other than friends leaving, I’ve managed to work my way up to $50 a month in pay. I’m probably in the top ten percent of income earners amongst the inmates. It’s probably the only time in my life I’ll be in the top ten percent of income earners anywhere. My job as the fire/safety clerk has improved. I’ve managed to inform the staff of my job duties and demonstrate that I actually do my job. Life is much easier. I enjoy my office and the privacy. You don’t get much time to be alone, to write or think without interruption, so my office is an oasis. As I’ve written earlier, I’m making the job work for me.

Unfortunately I’m not playing soccer anymore. I found that I was getting injured frequently. I’ve been battling some sort of abdominal strain for a while. I’ve been walking a lot though and have recently started jogging again. So far I feel o.k.

That’s pretty much it for now.

Has Prison Changed Me?

2009-04-18T17:16:00.000-07:00

One of my close friends is leaving Taft in a couple of weeks. As we walked the track one evening, he made a comment that intrigued me. He said, “I have to look at myself and see if this experience in prison has made me more aggressive.” I had to think about that for a couple of weeks and look at my behavior as well.
I know that being arrested, shackled, and escorted before a judge in 2004 changed me. I had to reconsider who I was based on what I valued. Was I valuing my family, my spiritual beliefs, my possessions or something else? I came to the conclusion that much of my life was hypocrisy. What I said I valued I did really put as a high priority in my decisions. I tried for the three years that I was on pre-trial to implement a new set of values based on new priorities. I came to prison thinking that I had done an ok job of reprioritizing my life.
The challenge was being in prison. If there is anyone out there who thinks that prison is designed to rehabilitate, let me assure you that it is not. Rehabilitation is a change made by the individual. The system, in my opinion, works against you. Even though I came in here with the intent of living my life with different guiding principles, I was bombarded with the anger, bitter, aggressive and selfish culture that exists in every level of prison. I’m at the lowest level of security of incarceration and it is prevalent even here.
I’ve already written about how I found a good couple of friends. I am a Christian and I wanted to find other guys who shared that priority. I was blessed to be able to do so. Even so, the challenge of not allowing the culture of this place to change me confronted me daily and still does. You come to realize that the staff, for the most part, does not care. This creates an overall environment of bitterness, anger and resentment towards the system. You can’t earn anything. There is no obtainable objective by complying with their rules. In fact, I’ve seen in-mates benefit, who have deliberately not complied with the rules. It takes a great deal of patience to accept the seemingly whimsical approach the staff takes when evaluating inmates for jobs, furloughs, bunk assignments, half-way house, etc.
If you can accept that the environment is not a traditional merit-based system, then you have to contend with the general inmate philosophy. Not unlike “the outside”, inmates are selfish. I can accept that. However, inmates, unlike people on “the outside” are also aggressive. This doesn’t mean they are physically aggressive, although many of them are. Even the older ones are aggressive in terms of power or opinion or even things. I wrote in one of my earliest blogs that sometimes you just have to be wrong here. It’s the easiest way to defuse a situation. As I have adapted and gained some wisdom I wonder if I have also become more stubborn. I don’t know if I’m the one who is wrong as much. On Monday night I watch a t. v. show called “Chuck”. I’m only one of two guys who watch. Because I’ve been here for almost two years, I think the new guys defer to me because they are one being humble. I want to watch my show and these new guys will have to wait for their day. This is how my attitude has changed.
I started to notice this in soccer. I’ve always been competitive, and I’ve always struggled with my attitude in soccer. That same attitude of arrogance erupted again here. It required an extreme amount of self-control to refrain from allowing my pride to evolve into anger during some soccer games. I’ve decided against playing sports for the duration of my time.
As I prepare to return home, I think about the kind of husband and father I want to be. I certainly don’t want to take some of the prevailing attitudes from prison home. Somehow, over the next four months I need to relearn compassion, gentleness, patience and love—the attitudes that will make me a successful husband and father. The attitudes that I have adapted here are not going to help me be successful when I go home. I’m not sure how I will learn these other than trying to apply them to situations when the common response is usually the exact opposite. It will be a challenging four months.

Prisoners of War vs. Criminals

2009-03-10T09:05:00.000-07:00

I recently finished a book called The Ways we Choose about a prisoner of war in Vietnam. The author, Dave Carey, spent five and a half years at the Hanoi Hilton. I don’t want to explain what the Hanoi Hilton was like because I don’t know. From Drew Carey’s book, I gathered it was bad.
Before I came to Taft, I watched a lot of war movies, particularly “Band of Brothers” and “To End All Wars”. “To End All Wars” was about a Japanese POW camp in Burma, I believe. The reason I watched these movies was to find hope in adversity. I watched these men endure incredible hardship and deprivation and survive. I hoped that I could go to prison and survive what I viewed as hardship equally well.
Let me first assure you that Taft Correctional Institute is not even close to the deprivation and hardship endured by POWs or soldiers. Our camp is attached to an INS low severity institution. I’ve heard stories where the low security prison provides a better lifestyle for some of the men than what they had on the outside. Of course a lot of guys complain about the food or the cubes in which we live, but it’s better than what most of the world calls home.
The standard of living at Taft is not really the point of this blog. The author of The Ways We Choose was beaten, starved and housed in cramped quarters, with a bucket for a toilet. Yet he and his compatriots endured. I admired the strength of these men. I wanted to know how these men could endure circumstances far worse than my circumstances. I wanted the same strength that these men had, but I’m not sure I have it. After reading the book I thought about what they had that I don’t.
One thing that stands out in the book and the movies is that the POWs and the soldiers were, for the most part, united against a common enemy. When I first arrived here I heard talk about how you were either on the side of the inmates or the guards. I even mentioned this in a blog about how you do your job at Taft. As I’ve observed over the 22 months I’ve been here it’s not as straightforward as that. Just because you step on this compound as an inmate does not make you accepted with the inmates. There is some unity, but it exists in factions. There are numerous factions based on all sorts of cultural and religious factors. You can even be classified by the type of crime and accepted by one group and ostracized by another. As I told my wife, it’s strange how you can live in close proximity with so many people, but feel completely lonely.
I’m not saying there is no unity here. There is if you can find the group to which you belong. This group may be as small as three to five people. I’m still a big proponent that the easiest way to do time is to find a good friend. This is very difficult, but it’s the only sense of unity I’ve felt. A unity that my friend and I had the same objectives, the same hopes and the same fears and we would help each other endure our time at Taft.
Another aspect that stood out in this book was the willingness of the POWs to sacrifice for one another. One story from the book describes how the POWs would communicate between cells. For hours guys would lie on a disgusting, dirty floor or hang onto a bar covering the window while muscles ached so that they could warn the one POW, who would knock on the wall, if the guards were coming. At first it sounds like the guy knocking on the wall had the easy job, until you learn that the guards would check the POW’s knuckles for bruising. That was the guy who got beaten. Nothing like this happens here at Taft.
I have a friend who is Hispanic. When we arrived, the Hispanics shunned him. I don’t know the exact reason, but I believe it was because my friend did not affiliate with any gang. The Hispanic guys wouldn’t give him soap or shower shoes. He was told to go to the chapel. As I’ve mentioned, the Christian inmates have a tithe box where we accumulate the basic necessities for new inmates. It seems that “going to the chapel” is only for those inmates who start their prison experience without any group.
You might think that because we all are enduring the same hardship that, like POWs, there would be a sense of unity and sacrifice. I think it exists, but only if you are accepted by a group. Usually this is through a gang affiliation. Your “homeys” or “your people” might look out for you, but it’s not always the case.
I’m thankful that I met a few good guys with whom I am friends. I guess “my people” in prison are the Christians. It took me a while to fit in even to that group. I’m also lucky in the sense that I’m a very good soccer player. That helped me cross boundaries into other groups. That does not happen all the time here, but it’s something I’m proud of. I still don’t see the unity and sacrifice of the POWs and I suppose I never will, but at least I contributed what I could to help create a sense of unity in the time I’ve spent here.

"When we experience great fear . . ."

2009-02-23T11:30:00.000-08:00

“When we experience great fear we attempt to exercise control over the situation no matter the negative consequences”

In my previous blog, I talked about how we sometimes act irrationally because of anger or depression. I wanted to follow up on that with a quote from a t.v. show on fox called “lie to me”. The show is about a couple of body language analysts who solve crimes or other problems by assessing whether or not suspects are lying during interrogations or interviews. In the first episode, the main character, played by Tom Roth, said something to the effect: “When we experience great feat we attempt to exercise control over the situation no matter the negative consequences.” I’m paraphrasing because I had to attempt to remember the quote before I wrote it down.

The quote supports my previous blog and adds another emotion that causes us to act irrationally. Some people might equate great fear or great sorrow with depression. Fear and anger can cause us to act in ways that most of us would say is out of our character. In my previous blog, the question was posed: “Why did you do this?” I didn’t have an answer although I believe many people are here because fear, anger or depression led them to do things without considering the consequences. I’m not going to say this is an excuse. What we all need to learn is how do I avoid the pitfalls of bad decisions because of anger or fear.

My suggestion to this is to surround yourself with friends who will challenge you and confront you if you are going down the wrong path. Having friends who are willing to do this and having the humility to allow them to do this is where personal life changes take place. Being humble enough to share your thoughts and decisions with these friends is a big step towards avoiding problems in the future. The problems may not necessarily be criminal either.

If you are married you should start by being open and honest with your wife. I wasn’t and I should have been. I admit it’s difficult being totally honest with my wife. We have had some serious arguments. However, I know our relationship grows stronger through the struggles. I certainly understand my wife better than I used to.

I’m also fortunate to have some Christian friends. I look back at my decision making that led me to prison and I found that I did not have a good friend with whom I could seek advise and counsel. I can also look at the times in my life when I did make good decisions and those times usually coincided with times I did share with friends and did accept their advice.

One of the things I wrote a long time ago in my blog was that the best way to get through you time here is to find a friend. I would also say that’s also true outside of here. Find a friend. Start with your spouse.

Blog - Why?

2009-01-27T13:13:00.000-08:00

I remember rather vividly a question I was asked by another inmate about a month after my arrival here. I was in the herb garden and another 30-something white guy, (I specify the age and race because 30-something Caucasian males seem to be a small group here), asked me, “Why are you here?” The simple answer to that is the federal government decided to prosecute me and it’s not easy to beat them.
I thought about the “why” question more. I’m sure someone in your family has asked you, “Why did you do it?” I know my wife has asked me that question and, lately, my 6 year old son has asked another version of the “why” question. Unfortunately the “why did you do it?” question is not easy to answer.
There are some guys here who knew they were committing crimes. They knew that if they were caught they would go to prison. In spite of this they continued with their actions knowing that prison was part of the risks involved. There is another group of guys here that you look at and wonder, just as the inmate asked me, “Why are you here?” While I’m sure you can segregate out various groups of men, I want to talk about the group that by all appearances and by talking with them elicit the question, “Why are you here or why did you do it?”
I’ve already discussed in an earlier blog the effects of depression and anxiety that I have heard from a number of otherwise normal inmates. I believe that when we suffer from depression or anxiety, the decisions we make are not necessarily logical or thought through. Looking back at my own decisions I can see how I was unable to process the impact or possible results of my decisions. I also didn’t want to ask for or receive any advice once I started down the path of making decisions that were guided by anxiety and depression.
I don’t think it’s such a stretch to see how anxiety or depression impacts decisions. Some of our spouses or family members may make completely illogical purchases of clothing, electronics or even medication as a response to the feelings of anxiety or depression. I’ve known couples where one spouse just buys things to combat the depression. While this is not a crime it can ruin a family just as easily if the things are too expensive for the family’s income. Drugs and alcohol addiction usually start with feelings of anxiety or depression. The point is that when we suffer from anxiety or depression we tend to make decisions without thinking about or realizing the likely outcome. To answer the question “Why did you do this?” the response in some cases is “I don’t know. I thought what I was doing would help and I couldn’t see the problems associated with my decisions.” It’s possible to say that those of us who committed crimes and suffered from anxiety or depression were temporarily insane. If insanity is defined as making decisions without realizing what the outcome will be, then it is.
I think there is another reason that otherwise normal people commit crimes. In a way it is similar to the effects of depression in that the logical outcome of the action usually won’t match what the person intendeds. I’m speaking of anger. As a parent I can recall a situation where my son did something he wasn’t allowed to do. However, my response was extreme anger. While I would never strike my child, I did yell. This was stupid. The action I took was not going to teach my child. The consequence of my yelling probably caused more harm than my child’s action to begin with. I sometimes wonder if maybe some men are in prison because of a temporary lapse in the control of their anger. I’m sure we’ve all heard stories about moms or dads who murder their children and then they plead temporary insanity. Maybe that’s what it is. Again the answer to the question of “Why did you do this?” is possibly “I don’t know”.
I know a lot of men here wonder about the choices they made that got them here. Some of them still answer, “I don’t know.” I still can’t fathom how I walked down the path of bad decision after bad decision. I look back and think, “That wasn’t me. None of those decisions reflect the person I was and am.” I have to wonder if the effects of depression, and for some people the effects of anger, have that great an impact on us that we do things we can’t fathom even doing. I know I didn’t intentionally screw up my life and that of my family. For some reason I couldn’t see clearly what the outcome of my decisions would be.
I’m not a psychologist and I don’t have any answers to preventing bad decisions made through anxiety or anger. What I don know is that someone will read this who is either asking the question, “Why did you do this? Or has been asked that question. All I can say is the answer may truly be “I don’t know”. I do know that some of us who have made bad decisions certainly didn’t intend the pain we’ve caused.

January 2009 Quarterly Update

2009-01-22T11:56:00.000-08:00

It has been a while since I posted a blog. Actually it’s been 3 months because my last blog was the October 2008 Quarterly Update. I’m now writing the January 2009 Quarterly Update. I apologize for the slowdown in posts. My brother, who was posting these for me, became too busy, so my father-in-law is now going to post. I’m amazed at my father-in-law. He spends a lot of time helping my wife watch our 2 boys. They use up a lot of energy. I hope my father-in-law has some left for the blogs. I hope to write more frequently again now that I have someone who can help.
A lot has happened since October. I call this the Holiday Period. In the 3 months since I last wrote, I’ve missed 4 holidays: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Day. Needless to say it’s difficult to be away from your family during the holidays.
The bright spot in that time was my long awaited furlough. I was denied a furlough in April, but finally was approved in early October. The actual date of the furlough was December 20th. A furlough is a chance to get away from the institution for a set period of time. The initial furlough an inmate receives is 14 hours. This is what I had and there isn’t much to do in Taft or the surrounding area in 14 hours. Since it was close to Christmas I wanted to do some Christmas shopping for my kids. My kids did not come down for the furlough because it was too short of a time to justify 8 hours of traveling. Also my wife and I didn’t think my kids would understand why I was going back to the prison.
Some of you may think it is a waste of time to shop on a furlough, but one thing I’ve tried to accomplish here is to be a part of my kids’ lives as much as I can. I felt that actually picking out a gift from me to them would help me connect with them. It may be a small thing, but a lot of small things become memorable when they are put together.
One other thing I wanted to do was get real coffee. I never drank coffee until I got here. The only reason I started was coffee is cheap caffeine. Unfortunately, it’s not so cheap the way I make it. I’m not even sure it’s coffee. I put a teaspoon of coffee (instant of course) in a cup along with 2-3 tablespoons of hot chocolate, 1/2 teaspoon of non-dairy creamer, 1 pack of Sweet’N Low, and either a peppermint candy or cinnamon candy. Our first stop on the furlough was a Starbucks. I chose peppermint mocha. The grande was $3.80 . I was expecting something fantastic for $3.80 . What I got didn’t taste that much better than my 40¢ prison mocha. Now I’m not a coffee connoisseur so don’t think I know what I’m talking about. My point is the Starbucks wasn’t ten times as good as what I make.
The holidays were similar to last year. We had a pretty good Thanksgiving lunch and all the inmates received the Christmas bag. The Christmas bag is a bag of snacks and candy that the inmates get each year. My bag only lasted 1 week. Last year we also received a Christmas snack about a week before Christmas. This year the administration decided to not give us the chocolate milk and cookie.
The only thing I noticed this year is that Christmas Eve was much more festive, while New Year’s Eve was not. Last year New Year’s Eve was the most festive day of the year. I think this may have been my dorm. We didn’t get to shop the week of New Year’s Day so nobody had food to eat. When people get together and cook it’s a much happier time. The reason for not shopping is too long a story for this blog.
In early December, I went through my first BOP Audit as the fire and safety clerk. What a fiasco. My job was not much fun during November leading up to the audit. I had to explain on several occasions that I had no experience in fire and safety. At one point the sergeant wanted me to take responsibility for the fire sprinkler system in the dorms. Some of the sprinklers were out of alignment. I have to say that making an unqualified inmate responsible for something that only professionals should handle is a recipe for disaster. This kind of thing seemed to happen every week. I was also told to do the same job week after week by different people. Trying to say, “I already did that” doesn’t go very far.
I have been taking some classes these past 3 months. I finished Excel. It’s difficult taking a computer class when the computer lab is closed half of the time. It’s a good thing I know Excel or I wouldn’t have finished the class. I’m also taking crochet. This doesn’t sound like a class your would take in prison, but it’s very popular. It does pass the time, but I’ve also found that I can make a few things for my family. That makes it worth the stigma of working with yarn.
It was a difficult 3 months for me. Obviously the holidays are difficult. I also missed my younger son, Evan’s, third birthday. I’m thankful that I had some positive things to get me through. I’m also thankful for all of you that helped my wife and kids during this time. It makes a huge difference. The best news is I will be home next Thanksgiving and Christmas. Knowing it’s you last Christmas away from your family helps get you through.

Update (#48)

2008-12-06T07:45:00.000-08:00

I haven't had a chance to update Jeff's blog recently. He did send me a quarterly update, which is now about 2 months old. I'm going to add some things that have changed for Jeff over the past couple of months.

First, Jeff left his out crew. The out crew served its purpose of allowing Jeff to apply for and receive a furlough. He gets to leave the camp for 48 hours on Dec. 20. He will spend the two days with his wife and kids. He is really looking forward to that. His new job is back at the camp. He has described it as a clerical job and he monitors safety at the camp. I'm not exactly sure what he does, except that he has to inspect doors, fire extinguishers, etc. to make sure that they are working and not a fire hazard for the inmates. He says that the prison guards are pretty disorganized, and he ends up repeating inspections and wasting a lot of time. I've found this to be a regular grip from him about the prison. It seems that efficiency and common sense disappear there. In my opinion, from reading my brother's letters and some other books written by prisoner and ex-prisoners, it seems that some guards use their positions of authority to belittle and condescend to the prisoners, even when the prisoners make good sense. But, that happens at my job at times, except the guards are middle level managers.

Jeff is also taking some computer courses in excel and word. I would have thought these would be a waste of time for him, but he says it's amazing what you forget when you haven't used excel in over a year. He's learning to use the keyboard again as well. He really enjoys working on the computer. It makes him feel like he's in the 21st century. If you recall, the prisoners aren't able to access email, and the Internet So, just getting to use a computer is a nice bonus for Jeff.

In other news, Jeff was assigned to his pre-release halfway house in Salinas. He won't be able to report to the house until July 21, 2009, but this was an answer to prayer because the other options were Oakland and San Fran. Salinas is a small halfway house, but its close to his home and he can begin to find work right away and we hope get on home confinement after a month or so for the duration of his sentence (which ends next Nov. 21).

That's the last news, Jeff is in his final year. He endured his last Thanksgiving on the inside, and this will be the last year that he misses his son's birthday and Christmas. So, I was thankful for that this Thanksgiving.

Scott

Musings (#47)

2008-09-29T19:51:00.000-07:00

Not much changes from day to day in a prison camp except for the people. Unlike most federal prisons, a prison camp has high turnover. People come in for a few months and then they are gone. Those of us who have a longer stay at camp just continue on with our routine. Sometimes a new guy will fit in somewhere; sometimes they won’t. At the beginning of my time I thought I would try to meet all the new guys that came in. I was baffled by the long-timers who later told me they don’t talk to anybody with a 6 month or less sentence. I now know why they do that.

Surprisingly I actually have a very busy schedule. Because I leave the prison camp everyday, my contact with other inmates is limited. When I’m at the camp I try to follow a schedule of exercise and classes. After a while you realize that inmates with short sentences don’t cross your path. I don’t have the time to seek out all the new inmates and get to know them. Rather, I let the prison routine do that. I still meet new inmates. I might sit with one at a meal or meet one in soccer or in a bible study. It’s convenient to meet a new guy in an activity in which you are involved. The activity you have in common has reduced a barrier. It’s easier to approach a guy and get to know him when you can talk about soccer or the bible study topic.

Sometimes you meet a new guy and you know something isn’t quite right. This happens most often with people who have different values than you. On a rare occasion you will talk to someone who is not mentally stable. This happened to my friend and me the other day at breakfast. We sat down with a new guy (it’s obvious who the new guys are because they have on blue canvas shoes and usually poorly fitting shirt and pants) and my friend starting asking harmless, normal questions. Where did you transfer from, where do you live, etc. Normal stuff that all of us have been asked. Oddly, this guy didn’t answer the questions. He started talking, but it was as if the question was simply a signal for him to start talking. When he left my friend looked at me and said exactly what I was thinking, “that was weird.”

Later I heard that this same guy got into some trouble. Apparently he went into one of the Spanish television rooms and changed the channels while several of the Latino guys were watching a program. First, just changing the channel in a tv room is a risky proposition, and second, this guy is Caucasian. (see previous blog for a discussion of the various tv rooms). This is about the worst non-verbal insult you can make at a prison camp. Normally a camp has very little tension or aggressive behavior, but this was a situation where things could have escalated. I think more fights start over what is on television than any other reason. I wasn’t surprised to hear about this guy doing something social inept. He clearly wasn’t operating by conventional social standards of those in prison.

One thing that remains is the assignment of nicknames to newcomers. (Jeff wrote about nicknames in a prior blog as well). Of course, you need to have a lengthy sentence to get a legitimate nickname, otherwise the catch-all nickname is “short-timer.” A favorite, but uncreative nickname is to call yourself by the name of the city or country from which you came. A few examples I have seen here are: Vegas, Fresno, Panama, and Columbia. I suppose those work. What you don’t want is a derogatory nickname based on something you do or say. My dad has a bunkie that we call “Santa Claus” or “Crazy Santa.” He looks like Santa Claus and sometimes he says and does some odd things. Mydad has yet to be given a nickname. That’s probably good. It means he’s keeping a low profile.

On occasion our commissary or store will change the items they sell. This isn’t always a good thing. Recently they changed the coffee. We now get less coffee with a 35% increase in price. The cookie/snack section changes the most frequently. Recently, they added a generic oreo cookie as well as a generic ho ho. The “swiss rolls,” as they are named, are very popular. I bought a box containing 12 rolls. Within 48 hours they were gone. Needless to say, I cannot afford a habit like that.

Another interesting change to the store list was the addition of rayon basketball shorts. I really like these shorts. I would never buy these in the real world, but for prison, they are ideal for running and sports. Sometimes the changes in what they sell can make you feel a little like you do at Christmas. I was very excited to get these shorts. They have proven to be a good purchase.

Jeff

Outside Soccer (#46)

2008-09-29T19:50:00.000-07:00

I recently played in a soccer game against a team from outside of the camp. The team was from the Taft Jr. college, and they traveled to our camp to play a game against several of the inmates. This is similar to the movie “The Longest Yard” where the inmates play the guards in football. In the case of the soccer game, the outside team did not have any guards or any staff members that I know of. However, in some other outside games, the guards have played against the inmates on the outside team. The soccer game was the 4th such outside game played at the camp in the past 14 months I’ve been here. The three previous games were basketball, softball, and a second basketball game.

These outside (outside in this context means “not in prison, as “inside” means incarcerated among the inmates) games are very popular events. Generally, an outside team playing a compound team will draw at least half of the inmates as spectators. Part of this is just plain boredom, and the games are something a bit out of the ordinary. But, part of it is also a sense of pride in the inmates. To compete and do well against and outside team gives the inmates, in my opinion, a sense of pride and accomplishment, and acceptance into regular society. I think it makes the inmates feel human a bit, as the camp, and much more so in higher security levels, tend to make one feel inhuman. The game speaks for the inmates saying, “we can do what you do. We aren’t different from you.” That feeling, although not frequently expressed verbally by individual inmates, is expressed collectively when the compound performs well against the outside team.

For me personally, this soccer game ranked in the top 10 games in attendance in which I have played. There were probably 250 people watching this game, about half of the camp. Ironically, this game ranked in the bottom 10 of any soccer game I’ve played as far as importance in my life. It was a bit strange to have so many people care about a soccer game that, to me, had little to no significance in my life. That does not mean I didn’t care about the game. I always want to play well and do my best, but the outcome meant nothing. I wouldn’t get a trophy or a scholarship offer or paid for playing. It was equivalent to an intramural game in college in terms of importance in my life.

If you had asked me 2 months before the game, I would have told you I had no interest in being on the team at all. I was in the middle of the camp soccer league and genuinely hating it. I didn’t want to play soccer at the camp anymore with the people there. I was constantly criticized for my play and attitude. I had nothing to prove, and was playing injured almost every game. I’m a white guy with a long soccer resume playing in a predominantly Hispanic sport in prison. I was going to decline an invitation to play, but when the best player asked me personally to play, I decided to do it. I thought that my best approach would be to keep my mouth shut and do whatever was asked of me. That’s hard for me to do. Over the next month an a half of training, I did my best to encourage others and not get frustrated. Unfortunately, I couldn’t maintain that self control all of the time.

My frustration surfaced during the game. I did not realize that we would be playing 20 year-olds. These guys could run and run. The average age of our team was probably 30 or so, and the starters’ age was higher than that. It became evident after 30 minutes that we weren’t going to be able to keep pace. I cam down with a cold a day or two before the game and got hit hard with the cold on the day of the game. What stamina I had seemed to disappear. Being constantly exhausted makes one’s play deteriorate. That’s when I got frustrated. I was mostly frustrated with myself, but on occasion that frustration spilled over to my teammates, and that’s not good. For any of the guys who played in that game, I apologize.

The game ended in a loss for my inmate team. I think part of the problem was our coach and best player got injured about 20 minutes into the game. We were up 1-0 at that point. I believe we were the more skilled team, but the loss of our coach got us out of rhythm. The other team had some good players, but I think their biggest strength was their stamina. We ended up losing 5-2. It was difficult to keep up with the constant running.

I enjoyed the experience much more than I thought going into it. I enjoyed playing with the team and for the first time in a long time I experienced some good competition. I had given up competitive soccer in return for the much less stressful recreational soccer. This was the first time in about 10 years that I played with a “select team” against another “select team.” That experience was fun and I would be honored to be selected again.

In case you were wondering, the inmate basketball team lost both of its games, but the inmate softball team destroyed the outside team.

Scott’s addition. Jeff sent this blog to me in early June and I misplaced it. It was attached to a letter he sent to me, and I had forgotten that he attached it. He usually sends blogs separately. At any rate, he has since been selected to play against the same outside team in early Sept., and this time the inmates won 7-3. Jeff played about half of the game, to see his team go up 5-1. He was suffering from an abdominal strain and was having difficulty running and moving without pain. But, he wanted to show that he could be encouraging to his teammates. Unfortunately, he is still hurting from the game as his abdomen didn’t get any better.

Jeff

Spoons (#45)

2008-09-07T19:41:00.000-07:00

I recently had a “remember you are in prison” experience. I thought it was worth sharing. This past weekend I got up at 6 am to go to breakfast. One thing about prison that is as close to constant and reliable as you can get is the menu. Every Saturday morning we have corn flakes and coffee cake. If we ever get a different cereal, I am ecstatic. On occasion we do, but that is not the point of this blog. I digress.

The chow hall is also somewhat consistent in terms of what to expect and the procedures for getting food and eating. The chow hall is very similar to a cafeteria. It reminds me of the chow halls in college. Meals are served at certain times of the day. You almost always stand in a line for 15 minutes. When you get to the serving counter you get your tray and plastic wear. The servers are assigned 1 item and put it on your tray. At the end of the line you take a cup and fill it with your beverage. Even the choice of beverage is consistent meal to meal.

On Saturday morning there was a change in the chow hall routine. At the point where we get our plastic wear, we only had spoons. Typically, there are two rows of utensils with forks on the top row and spoons on the bottom. However, the utensils are placed in the dispensers with only the handle showing, so you do not see whether the utensil you are grabbing is a fork or spoon until you pick it out. You go by routine. Spoons on top, forks on bottom. It’s generally not an issue, unless you our out of a certain utensil. On Saturday morning, the fork row was empty. We only had a choice of spoons. I didn’t think a whole lot about it other than it was weird eating coffee cake with a spoon.

At lunch when I arrived at the utensil dispenser there were the two rows of utensils. Naturally, I thought that the forks would be on top and the spoons on the bottom. To my surprise, both rows were spoons. I couldn’t put the spoon back; that’s a prison rule. Once you touch a tray or a utensil, it’s yours. So, I had two spoons at lunch.

A few seconds after grabbing my second spoon, the guard that overseas the kitchen (yes, there is a guard for this – because the kitchen is a great place to steal food and spices to trade) tell another inmate that he only needed one spoon. As I grabbed my cup and passed the guard she told me, “you don’t need two spoons.” I tried to explain the situation. “Yes, but I had already touched the second spoon. I couldn’t put it back after I had touched it.” That seemed to hit a nerve with her. She got angry and retorted, “What? You think I don’t know that?” I replied meekly, “No, I was simply saying that I had no choice once I took that second spoon. There was nothing I could do.” (Inmates often complain about the dehumanizing aspect of prison. When dealing with guards who neither care to learn the facts, or treat the inmates as beneath them, I’m not amazed to hear about inmate violence at higher security prisons).

That evening at dinner I didn’t take any chances. I only took a spoon. By that time the rumor had spread that we weren’t’ given forks because inmates were either stealing them, or throwing them away. The same guard that lectured me about my excessive spoon issue at lunch was back at dinner. I overheard another inmate ask her when we would get forks back. She replied, “You can buy forks at the commissary,” as if to imply that we should buy them and bring in our own forks if we want to use such a utensil. This was odd because it’s against policy for an inmate to bring anything to a meal except one condiment. We are not allowed to bring our own cups to the chow hall. It’s always humorous (frustratingly so) when a guard tells you to do something that is against policy. Needless to say it was difficult to eat my salad and chicken patty with a spoon. I was late for my softball game because of it.

Epilogue: On Monday morning we had forks again. I have not seen the fork Nazi guard, but she will be back this weekend. We might be deprived of forks for all of our weekend meals.

Other interesting things:

For those of you who don’t know, we get counted, literally, physically counted by the guards, multiple times each day. The two main counts, also called standing counts because we have to stand, and several counts during the middle of the night. I don’t understand these. We can’t go outside because the door is locked. Why bother counting? Anyway, the other day a guard announces over the camp PA system to put our chairs in our cubicles. The guards were going to count our chairs. Oddly our chairs have to be in our cubes on Fri. morning as it is at the 8 am weekly inspection. Why not count the chairs then? Oh well, that’s someone else’s problem.

Jeff

Quarterly Update Summer '08 (#44)

2008-09-07T19:38:00.000-07:00

Sorry it has taken me so long to update the blog. Just a busy summer. Here is Jeff's quarterly update from July.

I’ve been at Taft Camp for 15 months now. I’ve actually managed to settle in and the days are much easier. At a camp this is called “institutionalized.” I watch whatever movie we get every Friday at 7 pm just because it’s something to do. I’ve figured out what to buy at the store and I even joined a b-league softball league. Most of the activities in which I participate I would not do in my ordinary life outside of prison. For example, I would never play softball. Most of the movies I watch I would never rent much less pay full price to see in a theater. Most of the books I read I would not be able to read because of a lack of time if I were at home. But, these are the ways to pass time here. I have gotten to a point where I actually look forward to the Friday night movie. When I first arrived, I probably watched 4 movies in the first 4 months. There are some weekends where I watch 4 movies.

One of the toughest things that I have had to do over the past 3 months is adjusting to the psychological impact of the completion of my 1st year here. When you start to see the same activities, repeat weather patterns, seasons, and holidays, it’s a challenge to stay focused. I admire the guys who have to do several years here. The redundancy of it would drive me a little crazy. I understand why I play softball when those who know me wonder what I’m doing. It’s new and different to me, and that keeps me a bit more sane. That’s how guys with long sentences avoid the depressing repetition of it all. They play cards, watch tv, play sports, take classes, and do whatever they can to provide some variety.

One of the more interesting things from my time here happened to me last quarter. A guy who was sentenced to 20 months researched prison camps on the web. He came across my blog. It turned out that he was designated for Taft and he contacted me. He arrived at Taft earlier this month (July) and I’ve spent a lot of time with him. It was an encouraging experience for me to realize that this blog is helping other people. I’ve enjoyed talking with this guy (I don’t want to use his name because I haven’t told him I would use his name) and I look forward to developing a stronger friendship as we progress through this time together. I had been struggling with how God is using me here, but I believe God is teaching me not to look for results, but to just remain obedient and focused on Him.

My wife and I both turned 36 earlier this month (Laura on the 4th and Jeff on the 9th of July). This was a difficult time for both of us because our birthdays are close together. We usually go on vacation for our birthdays. I look back at my last birthday and realize how thankful I should be. My wife and I have both matured in our faith during the past year. My wife sees opportunities to use this struggle for God’s glory almost every day. She leads a women’s support group for those who have loved ones in prison. She also facilitates a bible study and hosts a small group at our home. She is constantly sharing with neighbors and friends of her struggle and here endurance through Jesus Christ. I must say I’m very proud of my wife.

On the lighter side of things, the commissary, or prison store, is selling Dr. Pepper again. It will only last for another month, so I buy a lot and try to save it. The store is also selling generic cocoa puffs. I love cocoa puffs. To put this in perspective, I have to work for 6 days to afford a six-pack of Dr. Pepper and a bag of cocoa puffs. In the “real” world, I worked 10 minutes to buy those same items. Buying a 6-pack of Dr. Pepper and a bag of cocoa puffs is like buying a flat screen television for many of you. In other words, it’s a pretty big purchase and big deal here.

In closing, I’m enjoying my new cube with my new bunking. My cube has a window and my bunkie makes me laugh. It has been much easier doing my time in this cube. That’s it for now.

Jeff

Know Who You Work For (#43)

2008-07-20T14:16:00.000-07:00

The first question I was asked when I started my job as the recreation clerk was, “Who do you work for?” I didn’t know how to respond. I hadn’t thought about it. The other inmate asking the question, seeing the confusion on my face, rephrased, “Do you work for us, or do you work for the guards.” Well, not sane inmate says that they work for the guards. That would not go over well. His question helped me figure some things out.

I had not thought about who I worked for when I watered the plants at my first job here. Another inmate seemed to be my supervisor, but he didn’t like for me to call him that. His only job was to assign inmates to jobs, not to oversee them. That job actually belonged to a guard. It seemed that I worked for both the inmates and the guards and didn’t work for them at the same time. The guards, or at least the institution, paid me. It was only $.12 an hour, but they did pay me. At the same time the inmates were like the customers. They received the benefits of the work. Most inmates could care less about how their job benefits the other inmates. I guess the reality is we worked for ourselves.

Working for yourself is dangerous. You will only work as hard as your ethics and ambition take you. Because there is little reward for an ambitious person in prison, many inmates do the very least they can. I would suggest if this is where you are in your own job, that you consider a different job. You may get paid, even pretty well. You may hate the work you do (a sign of boredom), or your supervisor, or your co-workers, etc. If working for the customers, in other words, providing exceptional customer service both internally and externally, doesn’t do it for you, then you only have two options. You can cleave and get another job that will probably look very similar to what you left, or you can learn to take pride in your work. I would suggest that taking pride in your work is working for yourself, and is the better option.

If you want to show people that you are competent, confident, and trustworthy, then take pride in what you do. Do it well just so that you can leave the job each day and say, “I did my best today.” It’s a lot like a team sport. Your teammates may not play hard and they may not care about their teammates, but if you play your best, then you’ve done your job. You can leave the field or court with pride.

Working in prison is not easy. Many times while I was watering the trees or issuing the recreation equipment (more often than not I was looking all over the yard for stuff that wasn’t returned) I only had my pride in a job well done to get me through.

Another way that I endured a tough job was my belief in God. As a Christian I believe that our actions reflect who we are in relationship to God. I worked hard in part because I was also working for God. In essence, I felt like He was my boss. I didn’t want to let Him down by knowingly doing a poor job. This is part of what gave me pride in my work. It also helped me to accept that other inmates weren’t going to do a good job.

Some inmates take pride in their work without having a relationship with God through Jesus Christ. I’m glad that they do. Some Christians don’t take pride in their work and it bothers me. I wish more people, not just inmates, would work hard, show patience, and be slow to anger. For me, I can only accomplish this through my faith in Christ.

Jeff

Lexicon (#42)

2008-07-13T13:53:00.000-07:00

I'm quite a bit behind on the blog updates. I apologize. I'm not sure who is reading these nowadays and people don't write Jeff and comment on them, so I have been busy writing Jeff letters instead of updating. But, I promised Jeff I would update his blog, so I will try to do that. This is a blog that Jeff wanted to put in that doesn't fit in any category. It's a bunch of terms that the prisoners use that he thought were amusing.

Superpathologicalexpialapurgerus (adj.) - a derogatory term to describe a Federal agent.

"The agent on my case testified that I had 10 times the amount of dope that I actually had. He's a superpathologicalexpialapergerus jerk."

Rec (v) - to exercise or play sports

"It's a nice day. Are you going to rec while the weather is nice."

Next Door (n) - the low security prison next to the camp.

"I spent three years next door."

The Bubble (n) - The main control room at the low security prison.

"Before we go out on our crew we have to check in at the bubble."

Visitor (n) - An inmate who has a really short sentence.

"You've only got three months. You're a visitor."

The Hole (n) - Segregated housing unit (synonym - "the Shu")

"You shouldn't take food out of the chow hall. You could go to the hole for that."

Roll Up (v) - When the guards come and pack up you property and roll up your mattress.

"The guards came and rolled up Dave. What did he do to end up in the hole."

Pill Call (n) - The process of getting your medication.

"I have to go to pill call at 5 to get my allergy medicine."

Truck (adj.) - Really bad at sports.

"Did you see him drop that fly ball? He's a truck."

Beast (adj.) - Really good at sports.

"Did you see that shot he made? He's a beast."

Short (adj.) - Having only a few months left on your sentence.

"I just hit my 3 month mark. I'm short."

Waterfront (n) - The living cubicles that are close to the bathroom (synonym - beachfront).

"After my time in the hole they put me on the waterfront."

Beverly Hills (n) - the living cubicles in the back of the dorm with windows.

"It took me 9 months of living on the waterfront, but I finally got to Beverly Hills."

Store (n) - Commissary, the place we can shop for ourselves.

"I bought some chicken at the store because I can't stand eating at the chow hall."

Retardadorium (n) - The prison camp.

"You meet some odd people at the retardadorium."

Keaster Bunny (n) - someone who smuggles stuff into the prison.

"Where did you get that stuff? What are you, the Keaster Bunny?"

Rack (n, v) - Cubicle or specifically your bed. Also, the act of going to your cube.

"It's count time. Rack it up!"

Skittles (n) - Pills

"I have to go to pill call to get my skittles."

Feed The Warden (v) - Using the restroom.

"Do you have any toilet paper? I have to feed the warden."

Car (n) - A group of guys who cook together.

"Is there going to be a taco car for movie night?"

Driving The Car (v) - The person who is actually cooking.

"Who's driving that taco car on movie night? I want to hitch a ride."

Shot (n) - A disciplinary action.

"I got a shot for gambling."

ITF (n) - Inmate Task Force or an inmate who thinks he's a guard.

"That guy sure talks to the guards a lot. I think he's on the ITF."

Resident Psycho (n) - The strangest person in your dorm.

"That guy might just be the new resident psycho."

Squirrel (v) - To hide contraband.

"I squirreled the weights in the sand by the horseshoe pit."

Day Pass (n) - A 16 hour furlough.

"I finally got my day pass after 18 months here.

Rabbit (v) - To leave the camp without a release (synonym - walk away)

"I heard a guy rabbited last night."

Make Your Job Work for You (#41)

2008-05-31T13:06:00.000-07:00

Make your Job Work for You

I mentioned in a prior blog how at my first job I tended a small rose garden. I could have ignored this garden like most inmates do when assigned jobs, but I chose to make it work for me by learning something that is of interest to my wife. My wife likes to garden, and likes roses. By learning how to grow and tend a rose garden, I became a better husband because I found another way to share in the things my wife enjoys.

Perhaps you are stuck in what seems like a bad job. Making it work for you might be different depending on why you think your job is bad. Does the problem stem from co-workers or management (or both)? Perhaps it is bad because it doesn’t pay well (you are not alone). Perhaps you do not feel challenged or adequately trained. As an inmate, I can still relate to these issue in my prison job, and believe me, I think my co-workers, my pay, my training, and my intellectual opportunities in my prison job by comparison are for worse than most jobs. But, I still think that anyone can make a job work for them, even a lousy prison job.

One thing I regret about my previous jobs is the missed opportunities to learn something new. My first job out of college as a tax accountant provided a plethora of opportunities to learn that I ignored. I remember doing the quarterly payroll and sales tax for a restaurant. Rather than take some time to learn about the restaurant business I simply did the forms I was told to do. It became a rote activity. I took a number from the report and put that number in the computer. I look back at that and think how fascinating it could have been to figure out what that number actually meant to this restaurant, and why it was important. I could have learned something that would have served me well in the future. Two years before I came to prison I had a restaurant as a client for my bookkeeping business. I didn’t keep them very long because that business has some unique aspects to it (liquor licenses for one). I could have done a better job with them if I had made my first job out of college a better learning experience. Instead I viewed it as a dead end, bad job. I was working long hours and only got paid $8.75/hour. Oddly, even the job that ultimately got me in prison was a job where I did try to learn some things, and those helped me start my own bookkeeping business.

My second job at prison was an easy job by prison standards. It was also easy to make the job work for me as well. I was a recreation clerk. I was in charge of issuing equipment to inmates. The best part of the job was that I had a room with a desk to myself. I could write or read without worrying about a sleeping bunkie or taking up someone’s space. I could us the time I had sitting there to achieve personal goals. Because I had to sit there I was able to fill up the time doing things that helped me learn. Of course, the obvious retort is that not everyone just sits at a desk with little responsibility so that they can read all the time. I’ll concede that, but that’s not my point. I know that no one spends 100% of their time at work “working.” Some is spent at lunch, talking on the phone, emailing friends, or just chatting with other employees. I’m not saying don’t do this, I’m just saying that there are snatches of time that we can use to learn on our own. My brother lives in Portland, and during the winter rainy season has decided that he would rather read the Wall St. Journal during his lunch hour than fight the rain going to the local mall to eat for an hour. He eats, but he spends 45 minutes reading, as opposed to 45 minutes going to the mall, waiting in line, finding a table, and then heading back to work. Similarly, use the downtime at your work to read an article in a trade journal, or some other publication you enjoy. I think finding learning activities to do during boring times, or downtime is a good step in making your job work for you.

My current job in the prison is actually a rare job for a prisoner. Out of the 580 or so prisoners here, 15 of us get to leave the camp every weekday and work someplace in town. I found this to be a great job, but I think I have vastly different attitudes about my work than other inmates. True, the out crew does require much more work, and far more strenuous work at that. But, there are benefits that I liked to make the job work for me. First, the church where I go provides us lunch every day. After dreary prison food, having a hamburger, a pizza, or some Chinese takeout makes the work rewarding. Not only that, but the work crew gets to choose what they want. Normally, in prison, you eat what you are served, or you don’t eat. On the outside, if you want a cup of coffee at 6 am, you either have your machine on a time, brew it yourself, or buy a cup. Simple enough. In prison, if you want coffee at 6 am, you have to wait until the chow hall opens, head over there, wait in line, usually for about 20 minutes, then when you get your coffee, it may be sludge. That’s not hyperbole. The coffee here is thick. Anyway, my point is the how I make the out crew work for me.

It is pretty easy to make the out crew work for me. I enjoy the fringe benefits so much and I don’t mind the longer hours and harder work, so it probably is a good job from that perspective, even though my pay is still low, and I get no intellectual stimulation from it. One thing that I did learn from this out crew that I use to my advantage is making the most of my time. I would often work alone. That seems silly, but finding “alone time” at a prison is practically impossible. Yet, on the out crew, there are jobs that you can do by yourself and not see anyone for an hour or more. I use that time to think about things, pray, and just be quiet. The discipline of solitude is something I cherish right now and I’m using my job to get that. So, if you have a job that engages you physically, but not your mind, then use that time to think about something you have read, memorize some verses (I read about a truck driver that did this). Anyway, just think, and you will be surprised at how valuable engaging solitude is, and engaging your mind.
In my next blog, I want to continue the theme of working, and elaborate on a concept I mentioned in an earlier blog, know who you work for.

Jeff

Crappy Job (#40)

2008-05-29T18:10:00.000-07:00

So You Have a Crappy Job

I had a bad job. Well, I thought it was bad. I got paid well, and not a lot was expected of me, but I wanted more. I wanted a better title, more money, and ultimately, more authority to make decisions. I couldn’t be content with what I had. This was the gateway, the starting point, to my actions that ended in a 3-year prison sentence. I thought I had a crappy job, but I would give anything to have that job back now, considering where I am. Perhaps I can shed some light on some of the things I learned about wanting more in my job and being content with what I have been given.

All prisons expect their inmates to work (at least all Federal prisons do – barring some high security or other extenuating factors). I’ve written about my various jobs in prison, and I still find it to be one of the most interesting situations I have ever experienced. I work for the institution, but it’s the taxpayers who ultimately pay my wages (which would be criminal if I got paid this on the outside, 12 cents an hour). You are supervised by a guard. Yet, in most prison jobs, you will not interact with anyone from the institution. As I have mentioned in an earlier blog, the inmates are your actual customers, and as anyone knows, you really work for the customer. Your customers, while not in direct contact with you, get angry if they have dirty bathroom, poor food, etc. But, in prison, the customers don’t pay for anything. If you can recall back to your basic economics class, the prison is like a communistic economy. Each prisoner should work their best and hardest because the common benefit is the reward, not wages or private ownership. If everyone worked hard, then the food would be better, the restrooms cleaner, the grounds tidier, etc. But, as sinful people, we don’t think like that. The prisoners think, "what kind of effort should I give for 12 cents an hour?" As a result, you get an effort that is the product of 12 cents an hour or what takes the least amount of effort).

When I was a supervisor, one of the most common complaints was about the employee’s level of pay. The management’s response was always find another way to motivate them beyond their pay. The reality is you have to motivate yourself. Even if you have a bad job, finding a new job probably won’t solve the problem. You have to learn to find the positives about the job. Do the job you have and do it well regardless of who is looking or if you are rewarded. Take pride in what you do. I look at this like I would look at dating or self-esteem. If you like who you are, if you are confident in who you are, it will be noticeable. The same is true with your job. You don’t have to necessarily like data entry or like cooking French fries, but by doing it well you can be proud of what you did. If you adopt this attitude people will notice. You can’t do it to be noticed though. You have to just do your job well for the simple reason that you want to take pride in doing your job well.

Finding the right job in prison was important. However, the right job depended largely on what you wanted to do with all the time. There are jobs in prison that take 30 minutes a day. There are jobs that take 3-4 hours. There are jobs that may require you to be up all night and there are jobs that require you to get up at 4am. There are disgusting jobs like cleaning toilets, hauling trash, or washing 500 dishes. There are easy jobs like dusting phones or mopping a small room. There are challenging jobs that require specialized skills. There are even jobs that allow you to leave the prison. It’s important for an inmate to find a job that works with the inmate’s personal objectives. This is true on the outside as well. I’m not saying that you need to change jobs. But, try to make your job work for you. Develop a skill set through your job that can help you be a better person, or a more efficient worker.

Let me give you some examples of my jobs in prison and how I made them work for me. Inmates are assigned their first job by the institution. My first job was as a recreation orderly. After 3 or 4 months, an inmate can change jobs to something they might like better. As a recreation orderly, I was responsible for weeding, watering, and picking up trash in a certain area of the recreation yard. This was not my ideal job. I was supposed to work from 8 – 10 am and then again from 12 – 2 pm. Now this job didn't take four hours, and many inmates made it take an hour or less. Fortunately, the rec jobs do not have a guard who is constantly monitoring the inmate’s every move, so you could do your job in 30 minutes or you could take more time. I figured this job would take about 2 1/2 hours to do well. So, I made it work. I went to an exercise class from 8 – 9 am and then after already getting sweaty, I would proceed to do my weeding work from 9 – 10.

When I came back out at noon, I would water the plants while I walked the track. I also brought out books to read or wrote letters. I could read while I picked up trash. I made the job fit with what I wanted to accomplish while still doing my job and doing it well (this based on the fact that no one else weeded and rarely did anyone pick up trash). Did I do this to be noticed? No, I wanted to look at my work each day and say, “The rose garden looks good.” I got to enjoy the rose garden because I worked on it. I know other guys appreciated it too, but that wasn’t why I did it. It was an unintended benefit to them. The job itself was not difficult, but I tried to do it well, and better myself while doing it.

I made this job work for me by getting exercise, writing, reading, and enjoying the rose garden. My family and in-laws are gardeners. Even if I only had time to work on the rose garden, I would have made the job work for me because I would have learned something that would have helped me relate to my wife and in-laws. I would have become a better husband simply by learning something about gardening. Most guys in prison wouldn’t view their job as a way to become a better husband and probably many of you don’t look at your job as a way of learning something that can make you a better person. I’m not necessarily talking about the actual skills you need to do your job. I’m talking about other skills you can learn from your job.

Jeff

Quarterly Update (#39)

2008-05-19T19:47:00.000-07:00

This is about a month old now. I'm a bit behind on the updates- Scott.

This past Sunday (April 13th) marked my 1-year anniversary in prison. I had strange feelings as I approached my anniversary. Until now, everything was still new. I had not spent an Easter in prison until this past March. What would that be like? What would the weather be like in March (the winter wasn’t too bad). When will the trees turn green again? These questions seem mundane, but in a place where very little changes from day to day, change, in any form, helps one cope. As I started to see things that were the same from last year after I had just arrived, that sense of change and newness left. I could no longer say, “tomorrow will bring something new.” I know look at the calendar and say, “I know what April will look like.” This kind of made me depressed, because the newness of things helps the time pass. The mundane unchanging elements make the stay here feel as though time is slowing or stopped. As much as the routine gets you through the day (if you keep busy), it’s the little changes that keep you sane. It reminds me of that saying about how change is the spice of life. Every so often you need change to keep things interesting.

The other thing that I noticed as I approached my anniversary is that everyone pointed out that I had been here for 1 year. Probably the one thing every inmate does is track how much time they have served and how much time they have left. I’ve calculated the number of weeks I have left, the exact date that represents my halfway point, and just about every possible milestone you can imagine regarding my stay in Taft.

I’ve been fortunate that I’ve had some small changes since my last quarterly update. I’ve had some big changes too, although you don’t always want that. My last quarterly update – based on my 9 months here, was January 13. Since then, one of the biggest changes that has been both sweet and sour was my dad’s arrival to the Taft Camp. I’m happy that there is a friendly face, but it’s never fun to see a family member go through what I’ve been through or taken away from family and friends. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. My dad had one of the more difficult 3-4 weeks after arrival of anyone I know here. A few days after he got here, his brother (my uncle) passed away suddenly. My uncle was sick and in the hospital before my dad arrived, and my dad was able to visit before he reported to Taft, but no one, not even the doctors, thought his illness was life threatening. That was pretty hard on my dad. It left his mom without any help. I was really sad for my dad, because the first month or so, prison is a hard enough adjustment, but my dad had the weight of his mom and her care on his mind, not to mention the grieving of his brother to deal with. I was able to get my dad moved into my dorm. That was good. In that same week, we had a shakedown. A shakedown is when the guards come through the dorms looking for contraband. In this instance, they were looking for people with extra blankets, pillows, cardboard, etc. in their lockers. It was not a very serious shakedown, but it was my first experience with (and this after almost 9 months) that and I know my dad was nervous. In your first week, everything seems crazy, and a shakedown just adds to the stress.

I have been able to help my dad get adjusted. I’ve tried to spend some time with him walking, but because of my job, I’m away from the camp most of the day. We do eat breakfast and lunch together on the weekend and I do manage to spend some time with him every day mainly to catch up on things.

I’m still working on the “out crew.” Working with inmates poses some interesting challenges (of which I will write soon), but I enjoy the work. I find that it prepares me mentally to be back in the workplace. Oddly, you adjust to working a couple of hours a day. When you go back to a regular 8 hour job schedule, it’s a shock. On the out crew I work about six hours a day. So, not only does it help pass the time, but I am getting used to working a normal work day schedule. I work on the out crew 5 days a week, so it makes the weekends feel like weekends. I think that is one of the things I enjoy most, that the weeks are separated by work and then rest. That didn’t happen in here with my previous job.

There was a small change to the out crew schedule that I really enjoyed. One day we went to the mountains to clean a camp that the church runs. The change of scenery was uplifting. We actually saw and walked in snow. We were surrounded by pine trees. This is a drastic change from the Taft landscape and welcome one in my opinion. I hope that I will get to go the camp again before my next update.

Another small change that is helping me stay sane is my recent move to another cubicle and a new bunkie. I’m pleased to announce that I have a window in my new cubicle. My window faces East and I have already enjoyed numerous sunrises. I write most of my letters by the sunrise light. The window also faces a grove a trees that the Native Americans at the camp use as their meeting place. Most of the time the grove of trees is devoid of inmates, so I get to enjoy a somewhat more scenic view than the arid dirt that makes up Taft.

I’ve started and almost completed another soccer season. I’m not enjoying my soccer as much as I did before. I find that people are extremely critical, and I get too competitive. Not to mention that I’m older than most of the guys, and my body can’t take the beating like it could when I was 20 or 25. It’s not a positive or enjoyable environment when you are injured all the time and other players can’t understand why you are not playing. I do like the exercise and the game, but the chronic injuries are not worth the trouble right now. Before I play in another league, I plan on taking a break and allowing my body to recover from the myriad of injuries.

I have also had a couple of opportunities to speak in church. I had wanted to do this when I first arrived, but I don’t feel that way now. I think that we have many people here with gifts for teaching, and I’m not one of them. Being on the out crew does not afford me the time to prepare the talks as well as I would like. That makes me anxious and I think the men deserve and can get better. At this point, I doubt I will pursue opportunities to speak. Maybe when I get out I will look into that, but at this point, I don’t feel like that is what God wants me to do.

Please pray for my relationship with my dad. I want to develop a stronger friendship with him. That’s my priority right now.

Thanks for all of your letters, prayer, and support. I’m doing fairly well all things considered. I hpe that by the next update I can write to you about a furlough. But maybe not until the Fall.

Jeff

Don't be a Rat (#38)

2008-04-20T08:46:00.000-07:00

Jeff just finished his first year at Taft Prison Camp on April 13th. He is sending a quarterly update soon. Here is his latest blog

I’m kind of jumping around a bit in my entries. In a previous blog, I wrote about how the little things matter. That principle pervades all of prison life. I want to comment on one aspect of that principle specifically as it applies to prison living (I guess among criminals in general). That is, don’t be a rat. Being stigmatized as a “rat” in prison is not the way you want to spend your time. In fact, whether justified or not, being labeled a rate is about the worst way to go through prison.

How does one define a rat, or get the label of rat? This starts with the details of your case. The assumption is that if you accepted a plea bargain, then you agreed to testify against someone or did actually provide information against someone to lessen your own sentence. This seems to be most true of drug cases, which are an extraordinarily high percentage of all the federal cases, well over 75%. In cases like mine, white collar crime, accepting a plea bargain does not necessarily mean you testified against someone, or volunteered information. In fact, the government would rather have a plea bargain in white collar crime because the cases are often far more complex than drug cases. The prosecutors don’t have time to delve into the intricacies of the general business transaction that led to the indictment much less proving that actions were criminal. It is much easier to have the indicted just accepted a plea bargain and save everyone a lengthy and complicated trial. Fortunately, at a prison camp, you can find many more white collar criminals than in higher levels of prison. So, a white collar criminal is not automatically assumed to be a rat because of accepting a plea offer (as I did).

At my camp (and I assume in all prisons), the inmates are watched closely by other inmates to see what kind of person the inmate is. The dumbest thing an inmate can do is write a negative note to the prison staff about another inmate or group of inmates. This is called writing a “cop out.” You write “cop outs” for all kinds of complaints, from food to lack of heat. However, if you write too many “cop outs” other inmates will assume that some are complaints about your inmate peers. One of the most frequent “cop out” complaints is when an inmate is offended by a movie and complains about it. Too many of these and the staff stops showing movies, which in turn, irritates the inmates.

Another example that hits me closely involves a group of inmates who live in bunks in the back corner of the dorm, also where I happen to bunk. These guys have decided to have all the lights out in this corner by 9 pm. This is fine, except that the prison does not require lights to be out until 10 pm. Technically the inmates have no authority to do this or enforce it. I could write a “cop out” complaining about it, but what would that accomplish? I would be labeled as a rat. I could leave my light on and get the ire of the other guys too. Not much better. The solution I arrived at was to be flexible and live with the early lights out. It’s not a big problem and there are worse things I could worry about. By not complaining, my reputation as a guy who can “get along” increases. Like I said, you are always being watched and evaluated. The other inmates want to know what kind of person you are, and because of the small living areas, it doesn’t take long for them to figure it out if you do something to earn their distrust.

There are legitimate “rats” here. Some guys do get benefits by helping the guards and counselors find contraband. In a situation where weapons are drugs are involved, I’m not sure I mind having an insider around. Those things can threaten my safety. Despite the constant accusations though, I cannot say for certain whether I know who is an insider. The most blatant thing I’ve seen that would cause concern is a guy who has been accused of being a rat by numerous people took cuts in line in plain view of 4 guards whose job was to watch for people taking cuts. They caught several people that day, at least 5 while I was waiting in line. They did nothing to this particular guy. There are probably numerous explanations for this and it doesn’t confirm that he’s a rat, but for the first time, I was suspicious of someone.

There is one situation where I have no problem being a rat. This is when one inmate is trying to cheat another inmate. In higher security institutions, you would still not be a rat in this situation. You would stick with your group. In a camp, you don’t really have a group. You just try to stay out of trouble. Well, if I know a guy who is getting cheated, and I know both parties, I generally bring it up. This might make me disliked by the guy trying to cheat the other, but the guy who was getting cheated feels like he can trust me. Again, you are always being evaluated. The guy trying to cheat people will establish a bad reputation. I don’t want to earn his trust by keeping quiet. I don’t want to be “in” with a cheater. I would rather establish a reputation as a guy who is fair. I think that my reputation has helped with guys that I don’t know. If someone thinks I’m trying to do something to them that is cheating, hustling or whatever, most of the time they will ask around. Most guys know that I give when I can, help out when I can, and repay what I borrow. They know I’m a Christian and that I try to live to those standards. When another inmate vouches for you and who your are, you have achieved a very noble compliment. I’m proud that I have established an honest and fair reputation in a place where everyone failed in these circumstances at some point.

Jeff

Working in Prison (#37)

2008-04-06T09:47:00.000-07:00

I’ve gone over rules about living with other inmates and some rules that the institution imposes. There are even more rules for when you work with other inmates. Quite frankly, working with inmates stinks. It reminds me of the television show Survivor. I remember from watching Survivor that generally, in the first few episodes, anyone who tried to be a leader, or to organize the group was usually sent off quickly. Some comments would be, “who did he think he was telling me to do this or that”, or “she thinks she’s better than everyone”, etc. The players didn’t want leaders who were efficient and who would delegate tasks, mainly they didn’t want other people to tell them what to do, when to do it, or how to do it. The players wanted to do their own thing. This is what happens in prison with inmates and work. Very few inmates will actually listen to another inmate, much less do what he suggests when it comes to doing work. It’s an inmate rule. Never tell another inmate how to do his job. This makes working with inmates difficult. I currently work on an “out crew.” I go out to a church in the community and work at the church doing various odd tasks like gardening, cleaning, and set up and tear down for special events. We don’t have any guards with us when we work. Rather, we are supervised by someone from the church. On occasion our supervisor will not be prepared with work details, and instead just says find something to do. Well, there is always something that needs work, so it shouldn’t be a difficult task. However, an inmate cannot tell another inmate what to do, so the directive essentially becomes, sit around and do nothing until I catch you. I made the mistake once of telling an inmate what a good project would be, because I thought we were a team. The supervisor had told us some jobs that needed to be done, and I suggested that one inmate do one part, and I do the other. My suggestion bothered the other inmate. I later discovered that all the other guys on my crew didn’t want to be in a position to tell the other guys what to do. They all felt like that was the supervisor’s job. So much for the team. I’ll help the team out only if that’s what I’m told to do.

In order to adapt to this work environment, I have a couple of personal rules that I follow. First, I do my job, and I try to do it well. I can’t complain about how other people do their job (or don’t do it) if I don’t do my own job. Some inmates don’t do their jobs. I’m not saying that they just do poor work or don’t work hard, but really, some inmates don’t even show up for work. It’s and important rule for me not only to show up, but to do my job as best I can.

Another rule that I follow is “figure out who you work for.” This is different from figuring out why you work. Knowing who you work for is important. In one of my jobs at prison I was asked by an inmate, “do you work for us or for the guards?” Of course I said, “For us.” But, I had to think about that. I didn’t really know what he meant. I got paid by the prison and a guard supervised the department, but did that mean I worked for them? The inmates are the customers here, and my job was to issue recreational equipment to other inmates. To do this, had to collect their card and hold it until the inmate returned the equipment. I later learned that inmates are not supposed to give their cards to other inmates. This posed a problem. By following one directive, I would be disobeying another. It didn’t take me long to figure out that I was working for the customers. I had to find a way to not take their cards, but to track who took what equipment. That’s easy enough. I just made a list of people who used the equipment on my shift. This way I was doing my job and working for the people who needed the service.

This rule is a little different on my out crew. I still get paid by the prison, but I work for the church. Who is the customer? Since the church receives my services, then I work for the church. We have a supervisor at work, but she answers to the pastor. So, I ultimately work for the pastor. My supervisor is more like a part of the team. I work hard so that she and the rest of my team look good to the pastor.

Another rule I try to follow is to take pride in my work regardless of who is watching. I’m able to do this because I want to be faithful in the smallest things. I know that God is watching me and that I am pleasing him and obeying him when I work hard and do my best just because of who I am. I didn’t always view work this way. When I was an employee, I didn’t particularly care about the company for whom I worked, and I cut corners all the time. I wasn’t so concerned about the work I was producing. I was doing enough to get by. Some people will work hard to get noticed and when they don’t then they do just enough. That was me. I’ve learned in prison what you have to do your best work regardless of who notices. Nobody notices work in prison. You will never hear a guard say, “that’s excellent work.” In fact, most guys don’t do excellent work, or efficient work because they don’t want to be given harder or more work later. They view that as working too hard for nothing.

The guards, staff, and inmates don’t care about your work. There is no corporate ladder, or reward, or incentive. You either work hard and do a good job because you have integrity and you care about those around you or you don’t. If you are lucky you may find that someone does care. It’s rare, but a few people will notice and you will have earned their respect. The respect comes from the integrity and not the expectation of reward. As I said, if you work here expecting a reward, you won’t receive one, and will get frustrated. You don’t get rewarded in prison. You have to decide, do you work hard because you want to or do you work enough to just get by.

Jeff

Institution Rules (#36)

2008-03-13T19:13:00.000-07:00

Just as inmates have their little, seemingly insignificant rules, but actually very important rules, so the institution here at Taft has it’s own little rules that a man ignores at his own peril. If breached, one finds out quickly that there are consequences for the slightest infraction.

I had probably been at the camp for about a month when I discovered the severe consequence of not following a little institution rule. The rule, which I knew about from one of my first days here, is that an inmate must have his shirt tucked into his pants from 8 am to 4 pm (the prison’s operating or business hours). I had been working in the Rec. yard and was getting hot (Taft is pretty warm, and this was in May). I went back to the dorm to change. I was in a hurry and forgot to tuck in my shirt on my way back out. I probably took 15 steps out of the door before I remembered that I hadn’t tucked in my shirt. A guard was coming toward me and noticed my un-tucked shirt and accosted me about the infraction. The guard asked me for my card. I told him my card was in my locker. I was quite fortunate that I had left my ID card in my locker because he let me go without incident. Ironically, another rule, which I have a difficult time remembering, is to keep your ID card with you at all times. So, somehow I got away with violating one rule by violating another. That’s the way prison is sometimes: nonsensical.

Usually the punishment for not tucking in your shirt is extra work duty. The idea of extra duty is humorous because if every inmate did his job you would have nothing extra to do. The prison would be immaculate. I think about 1/3 of the inmates do no work whatsoever. So, rather than punish the guys who don’t work, they guys who forget to tuck in their shirts do the jobs of those guys who don’t work. It’s similar to the outside world. Still, it makes little sense to me.

Another rule that we need to follow here is that we are required to wear pants around the compound between 8 am and 4 pm. Failing to wear pants during this time can result in various disciplinary actions from a “shot” (a basic derogatory statement on your record), to not being allowed to eat. The punishment depends on where you are, what you are doing, and which guard catches you. If you go to work in shorts, you could get extra duty or a disciplinary “shot” depending on the guard. If you go to the chow hall in shorts, you probably will be send back to the dorm to change.

One of my favorite nonsensical rules is the prohibition from walking on the grass. I don’t know what the consequences would be if the rule were breached. The grass isn’t particularly nice, and I have seen inmates walk on it from time to time. I haven’t seen anyone punished for the infraction yet. Actually, very few inmates walk on the grass. So, the penalty must not be worth the infraction.

Another seemingly insignificant rule that has mild to severe consequences is that one must stand during the standing count. I’m not sure why we have to stand. Some guys think it is to make sure we are still alive. I think this is the way it’s always done, so it has become habit. We stand because as far as the guards know, we have always stood. The reason is no longer relevant. I personally think it is just another way to dehumanize the prisoners. My dad allegedly violated this rule in his first few weeks in and had to do extra work duty. He and his bunkies claim he was standing the whole time. My dad got a mild punishment. You can get thrown into the “SHU,” the segregated housing unit, for not standing. It mostly depends on the guard, and the mood they are in. If you argue with the guard when you weren’t in your cube or asleep, you could get sent to segregated housing. This is usually the punishment for the guys who have been around. The newer guys, like my dad, get extra duty.

I’m sure most of these rules seem petty. They are, for the most part. However, learning and following the rules are part of the learning process every inmate experiences, and since we are here for not following society’s rules, it’s probably a good thing. If I had followed the rules at my job, I wouldn’t be here. These rules are easy to follow. Tucking in one’s shirt is not complicated, but it does make a guy be part of a system and requires humility. You feel like a child being told to tuck in your shirt, or to stay off the grass. But, for the guys here who couldn’t be trusted with bigger rules, it’s a good place to start (even if the guards sometimes abuse their authority).

The little, insignificant, petty, arbitrary, and sometimes meaningless rules are still important. They are the easiest to ignore, bend, and break. Sometimes we break them so frequently that we forget a rule even exists. I’m continually reminded that my character and integrity start with the little rules in life. It might be a rule at work, such as “don’t leave the computer on when you leave.” Maybe it’s a rule at home, “never leave the toilet paper role empty.” These rules are there to show who has integrity and the respect for others. Those that do will follow the rules, even if doing some requires humility.

In prison, it’s easy to spot the selfish people. I have pointed this out before, but all one has to do is look at the rule breakers. Who cuts in line? Who walks on the grass? The inmate that doesn’t respect the institution with simple rules won’t respect the other inmates either. If you can’t trust someone to follow a simple rule, why would you trust them as a co-worker, partner, supervisor, or spouse? You can’t.

Jeff

Little Rules (#35)

2008-03-02T17:16:00.000-08:00

As one begins to become more acclimated to prison one starts to pick up on more of the subtle rules. There are rules as innocuous as how to make one’s bed. The prison handbook says your bed has to be made by 8 am. The dorm orderly, an inmate, determines what the correctly made bad should look like. The reason an inmate determines this is based on the weekly inspection. Either our dorm, or the dorm orderly, looks better to the guards if all the beds are made the same way. The guards who inspect the beds call this look “clean.” I was not making my bed correctly and I was subtly told to fix that. I wasn’t told how to make my bed “correctly” but I figured I should make it look like everyone else’s bed. For those who are curious to know how the prison bed should be made, you basically take the blanket that substitutes for a comforter and stuff it in the metal frame. The blanket then wraps around your mattress nice and snug with no ends hanging out. I think this is how they make beds in the military, but I wouldn’t know. Actually, if you go to a hotel an take the comforter off, that is what the prison bed would look like, except much smaller.

Another little rule I discovered was where to take a shower. I know, you think this would be obvious. But there are rules for this simple task as well just about everything we do. Our shower room has 8 shower stalls on each side. The stalls are lined up perfectly across from each other. If you stand with the water hitting your back, you would be looking directly into the stall across from you. We do have chest high doors, but I’m 5’6”, so the door isn’t higher than my chest than for most. Needless to say, it’s very annoying when someone is in a shower stall directly across from you. To avoid this, the rule is to take showers only on one side. Typically, new guys learn this in two ways, either by observation, like I did, or from various belligerent comments like, “Hey pervert, why are you watching me take a shower.”

There are a lot of rules about personal hygiene. The whole process of washing one’s clothes has rules. Keeping one’s cubicle clean has a set of guidelines. I typically don’t mop my cubicle as much as some other guys, but as a generic rule you should mop at least once a week.

The subtle little rules aren’t limited to hygiene. One good rule to follow is “don’t be the first person out of the door and the last person back in.” Obviously, someone has to be first, and someone has to be last. But, you don’t have to be that someone, or at least regularly. The guys know the system. Most of us don’t want to know when the yard is open because we are on a first name basis with the guard. The majority of inmates, if they want to avoid trouble, should wait until someone else goes out and get back to the dorm before a guard notices that you are last.

Another dorm rule that is of extreme importance is to never change the television channel. Again, leave this for the guys who have been around a while. Oddly, you can sit in someone’s chair (I wrote about how you get assigned chairs in an earlier blog), at least at our camp, anyway, unless they want to use it. Every inmate gets a chair. These are usually in your cube. The tv rooms have no chairs. If you want to watch tv, you have to bring your chair. The chairs are marked with your bunk assignment. Lots of guys leave their chairs in the tv rooms for several days. So, if a chair is empty, you can use it. However, don’t try putting your chair in a reserved tv room during movie night. That will get you in trouble just like changing the channel will. Strangely, with this fascination with tv rules, one would think that talking during a movie or tv show would be taboo. It’s not. I don’t get that one.

Most of these little rules seem petty, and they are. But, the bigger rule that encompasses all of these petty rules is that the little things matter. I’ve mentioned this a few times, and I think it’s because it’s a lesson I didn’t learn that got me here, and once I got here, I learned that people watch how you respond to the little things. Following even the most ridiculous of rules still shows what kind of person you are and how other inmates view you. One of the things the inmates here hate the most (besides a rat) is an inmate who thinks he is above the system, because he is better than the other inmates, or doesn’t believe that he is a criminal. By not following the simple, but oftentimes, petty and silly rules, the inmate portrays a self-righteous attitude that such pettiness does not apply to him. Such an inmate doesn’t get too many friends.

So, the little things matter in life and in prison. The little rules I discussed are handy for interpersonal relationships with other inmates. There are other rules that the institution places on us that are important to follow too. I’ll discuss these in the next installment.

Jeff

Dealing with Other Inmates (#34)

2008-02-24T20:17:00.000-08:00

This is part 3 of Jeff’s chronological story of his time.

You learn a lot from your bunkies (or “cellies”) about how to get by in prison. Not all of what your are told works. One of my bunkies was on his third prison sentence and had served in both federal and state prisons of different security levels at various times in his life. He taught me the most important lesson I’ve learned. You are instructed not to borrow anything or give anything of value from other inmates (I wrote about this in my second installment). Of course, borrowing, giving, and receiving items of value occurs all the time. It is so prevalent that I don’t think the guards could stop it. Sometimes the guards inadvertently take part in it. For example, some jobs that inmates are assigned will have access to rubber bands or paper clips. These are contraband. Yet, a rubber band or paper clip can be very helpful for storing food (like a bag of chips) or for, well, attaching paper together. One of the more ironic pieces of contraband that guards unwittingly partake in distributing is scotch tape. The mail room will seal your mail with scotch tape, which inmates are not allowed to have. Tape has quite a bit of value, mainly for attaching pictures to your locker.

So, you have this black market in various sundries, and trade occurs with people who are in a place for some transgression. You learn a lot about other inmates through this system, the same people with whom you will be doing your time. My first bunkie was a nice guy who would lend out cigarettes to the new inmates. He went into this arrangement without any expectation of anything in return. However, he would not tell the new inmate this, so after a few weeks, he would go back to that inmate and ask if he could spare a cigarette. He could tell by the response whether the guy was someone to be trusted. Some guys would not give him one. Others would gladly give him one. Still others would repay the cigarette without even being asked, a few giving him more than the one cigarette they had received.

I don’t think that the first and last types are qualities you learn. They reveal who you are. The second may to a degree be something you can learn, repay in kind what you owe. So, this helped me learn about myself and others around me. I try to repay more than I owe, that is, give something greater value in return. I think I just want to show my appreciation for the help offered me that I wanted to give back more than I received. Because of this, and because my first bunkie had been in for a while (they know everybody), I got a good reputation as a guy who can be trusted pretty quickly. I’m glad that I had that quality. Some guys will deny a return item, even when these items cost as little as a quarter, like a cigarette or a candy bar. This is the best investment you can make in prison, and this was the best lesson I learned in prison. Find out quickly whom you can trust.

On the outside, you can spend thousands of dollars to learn about whom to trust. You may make an investment in someone’s business, or help out a friend in a pinch. My brother is a banker, and he said if he could learn about which people would respond like this, he says the bank could save a lot of money from bad loans. Instead, people (and bankers) spend thousands of dollars and sometimes get excuses back. Budget is tight, or business just didn’t work out. Sorry, I have to buy a car, etc.

I made a similar comparison in a dating book I wrote (don’t look for it, it was never published). I believed that if you wanted to find out the true nature of a person, watch them when they drive. People tend to reveal their true nature while driving. I believe that because most often they are anonymous. They can cut people off, yell at them, curse, speed, and other selfish acts in the car. Lots of women would say that it is unfair to judge a guy that way (it was the guys who were mainly the jerks, but not always) and the argument was that they may drive like selfish jerks, but they treat their girlfriends differently. Eventually, they won’t. It’s their nature. If they are inherently selfish, they may hide it for a while, but it will come out.

Since I can’t dive a care while in prison, I have found a few other ways to learn about people’s character. A huge rule in most prisons is absolutely no cutting in line. However, at a prison camp this rule is not enforced by the inmates (the guards will sometimes enforce it, but they are not effective or consistent). At other higher security prisons you can get a beating for cutting in line. (I have heard that you can get a beating for reaching across the table for salt, but I’m thinking that is not is an exception rather than a regular occurrence). Because fighting is the fastest way to go to a higher security level, no one will get into a fight here. So, the punishment for breaking the rules (at least the inmates punishment) is removed, and many inmates cut in line. It’s just like my driving test for selfishness. If a guy will give other inmates the decency to respect the line, then how much more will they be trustworthy in bigger things. Not very much. Guys will say, that’s overreacting. After all, the food is terrible, and so it just saves a few minutes (we have to eat in 15 minutes). But, it’s the principal that matters, and it speaks volumes.

Which takes me to the next installment. The little things matter, everywhere, but much more so in prison.

Jeff

Quarterly Update (#33)

2008-02-18T16:54:00.000-08:00

I’ve been writing about some tips and rules that I have learned that have helped me get through my prison sentence. I will still write about those things, but every 3 months, I want to update the recent events about my time here. Jan. 13th, was the end of my 3rd quarter here at Taft. I’ve completed 9 months of my 3 year sentence. (10 months now, I posted this a bit late. - Scott)

The past three months were what I will call “holiday time.” It’s the toughest time of the year for most of the guys. The first holiday in the past three months was (of the third quarter) was Halloween. Since I have two young boys, Halloween is becoming a bigger event in my life than it had previously been in my household. My kids get excited about their costumes and getting candy. I spent a lot of time drawing pictures of haunted houses, jack-o-lanterns, etc, and I even wrote a little story for them about a witch who ran out of spells. It’s fun for me to be able to participate in these events in their lives, even though I’m not present physically.

At Taft, Halloween night was sort of a non-event. I think the weekend before Halloween, we had a few scary movies, but they cannot be rated R, so they probably weren’t that bad. I didn’t watch any of them, so I don’t know.

Thanksgiving was the next holiday, and there was much more ballyhoo surrounding that at the camp. There were no sports leagues going during that time, but the camp put on several special sports competitions. We had a big inter dorm soccer game. My dorm challenged another dorm and it was a very popular event. Over the weekend there was also a flag football game, and even a softball game (it was the Fall after all – and not baseball season). We also had a special Thanksgiving meal as well. It was not too bad. We had turkey with stuffing, corn on the cob, dinner rolls, cranberry sauce, and pumpkin pie. Oddly, they did not serve mashed potatoes. WE did have green beans and a salad as well, but we have that frequently.

The weather also started to cool down around Thanksgiving and we had some pretty cold days in December. I was thankful for that. I don’t care for the hot weather, and I know it is coming soon. In December we started to get into the Christmas spirit. Christmas is really the only time that the staff here allows the prisoners to do any sort of celebrating. They actually encouraged us to decorate and had a contest for the best decorations and Christmas card. We also had caroling, talent shows, and other festivities. I think I would have enjoyed this normally, but there are too many inmates who complain about everything and sort of make is a chore rather than something that we don’t usually get to do. I helped decorate our dorm, but we had too many supervisors and not enough decorators. When no one can agree on where a decoration should go, it sort of defeats the spirit of the season. I got frustrated. So, after a few hours, I gave up. I tried the Christmas card contest, but I didn’t win. But, it was fun to make cards for my family.

The highlight for most of the inmates is the “Christmas bag” that the guards give the inmates. This was kind of highly anticipated, and so I was getting a bit anxious myself. Essentially, the Christmas bag was a bunch of sample size snacks and treats. The kind of size you would get at Halloween or on an airplane, with similar type snacks. Some candy bars, pretzels, cookies, chips, etc. On the black market, these were going for $6, which is pretty cheap compared to prior years where guys said that they could fetch $20 pretty regularly. I don’t want to complain, and this was my first bag, so for me, it was fun to get something. We also got a special Christmas dinner, but not quite as elaborate as Thanksgiving. We did get mashed potatoes, but no pie.

For me, Christmas was much more difficult to deal with emotionally than was Thanksgiving. Although the Christmas music, shows, and the like don’t focus on Christ, they do focus on being with family, and the constant reminders that the inmates are not with family make it a hard time for many of the men, including me. During Thanksgiving, I had similar emotions, but only for one day. The Christmas season and emotions pretty much start right after Thanksgiving. So, it is much harder to distance yourself from the emotions for 30 days. I was blessed to have my mom visit on Christmas Day. I didn’t really want my wife and kids to visit on Christmas Day, because I thought it would be a miserable way to spend Christmas for them. My wife would have to stay in Taft, probably away from her family, alone. That’s not fun. I don’t want my kids to remember Christmas as time in a hotel in Taft. Although, I was very thankful to have my mom visit because it helped me get through the day. Only one more Christmas to go, which brings me to New Years.

The biggest celebration that I have seen so far (covering Easter, Cinco De Mayo, Independence Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas) is New Year’s Eve. This surpassed Christmas by far. Lots of guys cooked and bought all kinds of snacks and stayed up to ring in the new year. I think the start of a new year has considerable significance to those behind bars. It’s the beginning of the year that brings you one more closer to release. It’s a huge psychological boost. The opposite of what most feel at Christmas. At the beginning of a New Year some can say, “I’m going home this year,” or “only one more year.” That sort of thing. Even though only 1 more day has passed, it’s seems to be a huge milestone. I know for me, getting through 2007 was a huge milestone.

The other news that has helped me get through the time here is my new job. I go out to a church in Taft and do janitorial type, some landscaping, and maintenance work with four other guys. The work can be tough, but it does pass the time. We also get fed very well compared to other inmates. We typically get hamburgers, Mexican food, Chinese food, chicken or pizza, and sandwiches. I do this five days a week, and it’s about as normal I have felt in the past 8 months. My first day going on the “out” crew was Dec. 20th. I think getting a normal meal was about the best Christmas present I could have asked for here. In addition, the church prepared an awesome Christmas dinner for us, and that was quite nice.

From Dec. 20 – Jan. 2 we went out 5 days (out of a possible 10 days). We go out every day now. This little church has a prison ministry and I like how they give the men an opportunity to feel productive and useful. The church is Westside Believers Fellowship if you want to look it up. I wouldn’t mind the readers giving them a thank you for me and the prisoners for their ministry to us. If you want to donate to the Taft out crew, I’ll have my brother link to the church website from my blog. I think the church would be really surprised by that.

My youngest son turned 2 in mid-December as well. This day did not bother me as much as the day when my oldest son turned 5 back in Sept. I don’t think my younger son quite knows what his birthday is so it doesn’t bother me as much to not be there for it. I’m sure that when he turns 3 in another year, it will be harder, but by then I will be close to release and won’t have to miss his 4th birthday. I will also be around for my oldest son’s 7th birthday, and that will help with missing the coming birthdays this year.

All in all, for this quarterly update, I’m glad that 2007 is behind me.

Jeff

Typical Day II (#32)

2008-02-10T10:33:00.000-08:00

Here is a blog that I forgot to post. It's a bit old, but this was what Jeff's day was like up unitl about 2 months ago. Now he is on an out crew and works at a church cleaning up the place. It's about an 8 hour job every weekday. Jeff says the work is somewhat redundant, but at least he feels like a normal person getting out of the compound and into the town. I have a quarterly update from Jeff coming soon as well. Now on to the blog.

I wrote a entry a while back about a typical day. I didn’t complete that blog because it was getting long. I believe I left off at about the time lunch ended. (My brother’s day has since changed dramatically. He is now on an out crew, where he goes to a church and cleans up the place, such as mopping, moving chairs for events, cleaning bathrooms, etc. He has written about this, I just haven’t entered it on the blog yet). Most of the days are filled with your work assignment (at this time my brother was handing out recreational equipment). I’m fortunate that I work in the mornings. Technically, I work from 8 am to 2 pm, but I’m only at my job from 6:15 – 8:15 am. Some guys have to go back to work at noon, when they finish lunch. I don’t have to do that. So, I have from noon to 4 pm for free time. That sounds nice, but prison is pretty boring. This is the hardest time for me to fill. One reason for this is that 5 months out of the year it’s too hot outside to do much exercise. Some guys really like the heat. I’m not one of them. (When I visited in July, as some of the readers may recall, the temperature was 111 degrees. It wasn’t pleasant. – Scott). So, during this time, I try to write a letter or do a craft project. After a while, writing hurts my hand, so I try to mix in some reading and study. I read my advertising and marketing textbooks, and sometimes a novel or a magazine. I have to digress here about magazines. It is fascinating the part magazines play in prison.

One of the most interesting things about prison culture is the way magazines get shared (a little like comics, but I’m a bit more protective of comics). We have three trash cans at the front of our dorm. When someone finishes a magazine or newspaper they leave it on the garbage can. I glance through tons of magazines here mainly to find stuff I can use to make a craft for my wife of kids. I had noticed that the address labels on the magazines were torn off. I asked someone why they did that, I thought it was because they didn’t want others to know who was subscribing to what magazines. The reason is far more interesting. You are not allowed to have another inmates property in your cube. You will get a disciplinary notice if you do. So, the inmates tear their names off of the magazines so that if a guard sees you with a magazine, they cannot determine ownership.

I have also seen some crazy magazines (adult magazines are not allowed, by the way). One of my favorite odd titles was not for its content, but for its title was “Trailer Life.” I couldn’t wait to read about trailer park living. Well, it was about RV’s, and I still can’t believe that there is a magazine for that, much less what I thought it would be. There was another one about log homes, the whole thing was about that. I’ve even seen a magazine about fashion. Although, for pure selection, your local Borders or Barnes and Noble have a greater variety. Although I have read magazines called “Star Wars Insider” and “Toy Faire.” Excellent stuff.

After reading and writing for a few hours, I can get through to 4 pm. At 4pm they do mail call. Mail call is simply passing out the mail. But some guards make even this simple task painful. They will insist on butchering names and only issuing mail to the name on the mail. It’s far more efficient to have the inmates grab it and pass it out to their bunkie or friends. They know where they are during the day, whereas the guards do not. One time I had to show my ID card to get my mail. After mail call, we have a count. I’m usually reading a newspaper or my mail up to and through the count. There are only two newspapers that arrive daily, the USA Today, and the Wall St. Journal. I get the USA Today, and I trade that for the Wall St. Journal. This way, I get both papers.

Now it’s dinner time, around 4:30. We have a five week rotation for food. The lunches are usually better than the dinners. With the new management group that took over in mid-August, the dinner fare now comes with liver. We get liver twice over the 5 weeks. In compensation for that, we get pizza twice over the 5 weeks as well. All in all, the food is okay. It get repetitive, but I don’t mind it. Except for the liver. (Jeff now eats while out on work crew. He gets more normal meals, such as Chinese food, pizza from a local place, and sometimes even a hamburger and fries. He says this is the best thing about work crew, normal outside food.)

After dinner is another block of free time. The prison gives us about 15 minutes to eat, so we finish dinner before 5 pm. The evenings, however, have more activities for the inmates because the inmates are done with their jobs. Usually there is a softball, soccer, or basketball game. Softball appears to be the most popular sport here. I watch it occasionally if a friend is playing. More often than not I walk the track after dinner. Most of the bible studies are in the evenings as well. Lights go out at about 10:15 pm. You can still go to the tv rooms and watch tv most of the night. However, the “yard” meaning the library, and indoor and outdoor recreation areas close at 9:15 pm. At this point you are locked in your dorm until about 6 am.

So, what do I do to entertain myself. I’ve probably discussed most of the activities before, but here are a few things I probably haven’t mentioned. Friday night is movie night. This didn’t mean much to me when I first arrived because most of the DVD releases in the summer aren’t very good (see previous blogs about the tv rooms and movies - Scott). The Fall brings with it the summer new movie releases that are now on DVD. So, in October and November, we had some decent movies. So, when these two times a year (Fall and Spring (after the Christmas releases) movie night becomes more of an event.

Friday mornings are the weekly inspections. This doesn’t involve me much, but it has an impact on me. Basically, all I do clean (mop and sweep) my cube for the inspection. However, if we win (this is based on overall cleanliness of the dorm compared to other dorms) three things happen. The main one is that the entire dorm gets 1 soda and a bag of popcorn each. We also get to eat first. Lastly, the order in which you finish determines which day you shop. It’s nice to go to the commissary with it is fully stocked.

We got to shop one day a week. This is not like your grocery store or Target. It’s like going to 7-11, but with only 1 aisle to shop from. I can only buy 4 types of candy bars and 3 types of soda. This is considered a very good commissary from some guys who have been around. I really like Dr. Pepper, but I can’t buy that here. Maybe that’s a good thing. They don’t sell tartar control toothpaste either. It’s strange dealing with a limited supply of stuff. Maybe this is what communist Russia felt like. Nevertheless, shopping is a highlight of the week for most of the guys. It allows them to buy stuff to cook in the dorms (Some guys never go to the cafeteria to eat). I don’t place as high a value on shopping, but it is a nice distraction.

The athletic leagues are a significant way to consume time as well. I have greatly enjoyed playing semi-competitive soccer again. It takes your mind off of the routine here. That’s the main thing here. The routine will get you through the time, but the distractions keep you sane during the routines.

Jeff

The Dorm (#31)

2008-01-14T20:44:00.000-08:00

The posts are now in a chronoligical order. I did forget to post one about a typical day part II. I'll squeeze that in at some point, when I am able to type it up. Scott

The Dorm

After I got some stuff from the tithe box, I made my way to the dorm. The stuff I got is relevant is it pertains to some other tips for surviving prison. The single most important possession a prisoner needs is a shower shoes. The unwritten rule adhered to by all inmates is to never take a shower without them. I will not go into detail as to why, but trust me when I say they are essential. I also got a soap dish, deodorant, and a toothbrush holder. I was now supposedly prepared to enter my living arrangement. The dorm is like a college dorm. The main difference is that you do not live in a closed off room. You have a cubicle much like you would have in an office building. Our dorm has about 68 cubicles. Some of these cubicles have three inmates, while others have two. The cubicles are the same size regardless of the number of inmates they hold. New guys are assigned to cubicles with three men that are generally located across from the bathroom or by the tv room. These cubicles are also toward the front of the dorm, near the entrance. The front of the dorm is where the tv rooms, phones, laundry, guard desk, and microwave are located. The point is that these cubicles are close to the noisier parts of the dorm, and the new guys suffer for being new.

As a new person, you are generally ignored. I didn’t understand this at first, but I do now that I have been around. So many people come and go that you can’t keep track of them all. Some guys are here for 30 days, and by the time you figure out their name, they are gone. Some of the longer-term guys won’t talk to new guys unless they have a least a 1 year sentence. It makes sense. It’s a lot of emotional energy to meet the new guys and find that they are going to leave in two weeks. One guy was sentenced to 13 days. This was quite humorous to everyone. He was almost nonexistent. He wouldn’t be assigned to a job, would not have a meeting with a counselor or case manager, and wouldn’t even get a medical exam in that time. My guess is that if he simply walked away no one would have known he was gone.

I arrived on a Friday evening, which is movie night. As I wandered around the dorm, I noticed guys putting their chairs into a tv room. I was about to go inside when a guy stopped me and said, “you can’t go in there. It’s assigned seating. Someone has to loan you their seat.” That was my first introduction to the tv room. I had read before coming to prison that one should never borrow something from another inmate. A few guys did offer to lend me their seats that night. I told them no, following this rule, thinking that if I did take them up on their chairs, I would see them a week later asking me to buy something for them. It turns out that this is sage advice. Of course, there are exceptions.

You learn fairly quickly which guys you can trust and which ones you cannot. Usually your bunkies will lend you some token items to get you through. I borrowed a couple of stamps and a pen from my first bunkies. Of course, if you borrow something, pay it back and give a little extra. I think this is a good rule for life in general, but in prison, it is my unalterable law. This establishes a positive reputation of being a borrower who can be trusted. After all, trust in prison is a valuable commodity. Even if you think you will never need to ask for anything from anyone, you will find a time that you need something and have to borrow it. Borrowing isn’t bad, if you follow the simple rules of knowing from whom you are borrowing and paying back promptly and with a little interest. In fact, that kind of borrowing, like a credit score, actually makes life a little easier and establishes trust.

Of course, if people are borrowing then others are lending. You can get burned pretty easily by lending out things. The rule is don’t lend to people you don’t trust. Of course there are situations where people make requests and you don’t know them very well, but you want to help or make a good impression to establish a trust. I lost a few sodas and candy bars giving them to people and never getting a thing in return. In spite of what you may think, those are somewhat valuable commodities here. But, for about $2.00 (about two days wages) I learned a valuable lesson about who I can trust with bigger things, like my life. That’s a pretty cheap investment even by prison standards. The guys who borrow and don’t repay end up without friends quickly.

There are situations where I give willingly and expecting nothing in return. Usually these situations are to other Christians who need something or an outreach to a struggling new person with whom want to establish some rapport. In those cases, it’s best to just be blunt and say, “Hey, this is a gift. You don’t need to repay me anything. I just want to help out.” So many guys are out to scam you that you have to say this or they will think like I did, that this person will come back and want something later.These are some of the basic rules about interacting with other inmates. I would learn more as I became more immersed in the culture.

First Day (#30)

2008-01-14T20:40:00.000-08:00

Jeff decided to take his readers through the details of his entry into prison. He wants to tell more of the story of his imprisonment. So, here is the first installment.

First Day

When I first walked into the prison here at Taft, the rules started immediately. The first rule that I recall I learned from an odd situation. After replacing the clothes was wearing with an oversized t-shirt, boxers, and a humiliating orange jumpsuit, I was put into a sound proof room with benches and a toilet. I was with two other guys. Occasionally we talked, but we mostly just sat there in the silent shock that comes with realizing that we were in beginning a new life in prison. As the three of us sat there, exchanging silent stares or nervous banter, we noticed a guard frantically waving their arms at us and angrily yelling something through the soundproof windows. I looked at them in confusion, because I obviously could not hear them. Then the gesticulating started with increasing levels of crimson on their faces. After playing this silly game of charades, it occurred to me that they wanted us to stand up. I told the other two prisoners that this song and dance the guard was doing meant that we needed to stand up. So, we stood up and the guard was relieved. I later learned that at that time of the day, all the prisoners are required to do a standing count. I have no idea why standing is the preferred position for the inmates, but nevertheless, the inmates must stand up, even those inmates who have just arrived and attempting to communicate from a sound-proof box. I’m generally offended when movies and televisions shows portray our crime fighting and governmental intelligence as simpletons, but the guards should have known that as new arrivals, we were not aware of the standing count and that even if we were, we did not know what time it was and could not hear the standing count call from the guards or loudspeaker. This would not be my only confounding brush with the intelligentsia that makes up the Bureau of Prisons (BOP).

Shortly thereafter, I was transferred to the camp. Upon entering the camp, I gave back the orange jumpsuit and was given a tan pair of pants. Why give me the orange jumpsuit in the first place? I’m not sure about this procedure either, but I don’t make the rules. One thing I learned about the rule makers and enforcers is that one is best served by neither being known nor knowing the guards. Following this rule has served me well so far.

One other thing that the BOP gives new inmates is a handbook. The handbook is full of rules that the inmate must follow, and procedures for completing various tasks (such as filing complaints, requesting new jobs, etc). I learned quickly that there are two sets of rules, those in the handbook and those from the prisoners. I read the handbook cover to cover my first weekend (I arrived on a Friday afternoon). I don’t remember most of it. As you can imagine, most of the staff do not know the rules in the handbook either. I did not realize this until a few months into my time here.

My experience with the BOP and prison, however, started before I even arrived. I was what the BOP calls a self-surrender. When the judge handed down my sentence, my attorney had already requested a self-surrender. If one is not granted this, the convicted is handcuffed, perhaps given a chance to say goodbye’s to family and taken to a local jail for transportation. Self surrender allows for the convict to leave the courtroom, go home, and take care of personal matters before surrendering to the BOP. The BOP gave me two months. Some are given more time, some less. My dad’s wife was ill, and his self surrender time will end up being around 9 months. Other inmates in the minimum security camp are transferred there from higher prisons, or from jails after their conviction. As a self surrender, I have a status in the prison. My status was that of a target. I knew little to nothing of prison hierarchy and society. I was ripe to be swindled.

Within two minutes of my entry to camp, I was confronted by a situation that was a breach of the rules. A guy walking out of the chow hall asked me if I was new (my new pair of blue canvas shoes, and the large black L, the size of my shirt, boldly announced to all that I was new). There was no point in answering him, because the answer was obvious. But, I did. He then asked if I had eaten. I ate a large lunch because I figured I may not get to eat dinner on my first night. I told this inmate that I had not eaten dinner. He proceeded to offer me an orange. The rule is that you are not to accept anything of value from another inmate. Before I entered I read that you should not accept anything from other inmates because then you will be indebted to them. The way it works is that you are offered something, which on the outside would seem like a kind gesture. In prison, however, if you accept, you owe that inmate something. A few days later, the inmate will ask for something from you, and you are expected to produce it. I have found that inmates are passive aggressive. They never tell you what they really want or what the terms of any transaction are.
The rule about not accepting anything from another inmate is written in the handbook. It must be a good rule because the handbook contains very few rules that apply to the informal inmate code as well. I did discover that there are many ways around this rule, and that in many cases, trading with other inmates is good. Despite the rule, inmates break it constantly, as if it were not a rule at all. After I declined the orange, the same inmate took me to the chapel. It turns out that the Christians at the prison have a tithe box. The Christian inmates buy supplies to give to the new inmates. It’s a great ministry. I discovered that the guy who offered me the orange was a Christian. This posed some interesting dilemmas in my mind that I would later figure out as I learned more the rules of prison.

Mourning (#30)

2008-01-02T20:17:00.000-08:00

This morning my bunkie found out that his mom died of cancer. There was no pretense of concern by this institution. He was paged over the loudspeaker to a secretary’s office. The secretary told him his mom had died earlier that morning. I wasn’t around when he was notified, but I would imagine the information was presented in a prison sort of way, much like the way my step-mother’s passing was. . . matter of factly, as if I had no emotions. It is a secretary’s job to tell my bunkie of the news, much like the how it is the guard’s job to yell out our names during mail call or a food service worker slopping a hamburger and rice casserole onto our tray with an ice cream scoop. It’s a job, and they do it and it’s done. There are no follow-up questions indicating concern or empathy. You are told, then excused.

Earlier this week, my friend learned that both his dad and his grandmother had heart attacks. While his dad appears to be fine, he is concerned that his grandmother will not make it. Fortunately my friend discovered this by talking to his family (as I had about my step mom) and not through the prison information network.

When I learned that my step mom’s cancer had returned not too long ago, and that the doctor’s did no think she would live much longer, I knew that I probably would not see my step mom again. Now, my bunkie is facing the same emotions. Like my friend wondering if he will see his grandmother again, all of us have the same feeling of helplessness. I wrote earlier about the worry list. This is similar, but different. We know we could not do anything even it on the outside, but the helplessness that comes with the lack of closure is different. We can’t do anything to provide comfort for those hurting. We can’t say goodbye, or thanks for everything. Our being here probably adds to the pain our loved ones felt, and that only adds to some sort of guilt that our transgression may have caused this. Still, there is nothing we can do, and that is the hardest part about prison.

I have two grandmothers that are still alive. Since my indictment over three years ago I have not talked to either of them. It occurred to me this week (the holidays also make one think a lot about family) that I may not see either of them again. However, for some reason or other, I have withheld my love from them. Maybe it’s pride that constrains me, maybe fear. I don’t know yet, but I do know that in prison I don’t have the opportunity to visit them, hug them, or have dinner with them. I may have missed my opportunity to show Christ’s love to my own family.

I could go on by saying we can pray and trust God. In fact, that is true, but it doesn’t always console people here, or on the outside to say that. No, what I want to say is take advantage of the opportunities you do have to console or help someone who is hurting. There is no lack of hurting people looking for someone to unconditionally love them. My guess is that there is someone who is 100 yards away from you that is hurting; maybe even someone in your own family. Now that the holidays are here, take the time to connect with them and tell them that you are thinking about them or that you love them. Like me, you may not get another chance.

Jeff

Worry List (#29)

2008-01-02T20:11:00.000-08:00

As I’ve said in other blogs, one of the most frustrating aspects of prison is the sense of helplessness you feel when things happen to your family and you can’t do anything. I struggle with anxiety about the future. How will I provide for my family, how is my oldest son, Connor, going to adjust to a new school, it my wife getting enough rest as a single mom with two young kids. The list goes on and on. I believe the verse Matt. 6:34 is where Jesus talks about not worrying about tomorrow because tomorrow will worry about itself. That’s a tricky one for me to apply, because what does that mean for today, that I have to take care of the trouble or that each day brings its own troubles, so best not to worry about any of it, etc.

I understand that the main point is to pursue and seek the things of God, and to not get caught up in the worries of the world. But, I still worry about my family, my kids, my wife, and so on. How do I stop? This is where I struggle. I still worry about my son’s change in schools, even though it is still 8 months away. These things pop into my head whether I seemingly want them to or not. I can’t stop thinking about the future. I can’t simply say, “God, find me a job that will take care of the huge debt I have” and then expect God to do that. I believe God will provide what I need, but I also need to be a good steward of my time. How do we reconcile this dilemma of not worrying, trusting and not wasting time. I think my friend, Doug Gamble, another prisoner here, had a great idea about this.

Doug has a lot going on at his home. He lives in Oregon so he’s physically quite distant from his family. He doesn’t have a whole lot of money to call his wife or other people. He’s a lot like everyone here. He can’t help his loved one when things go wrong. He told me yesterday after two tough weeks that he had been worried about thing happening at home and frustrated that he couldn’t help. Then he shared an idea with me. Each day he was going to make a list or add to an existing list of all the things going on at home. After praying about each one, he would create a new list every day of the things that he could do from Taft to help. His first realization was the most interesting. There were many things on his list that he could not control or with which he could provide help because he is in Taft. Most of it would not be relevant until he got out of prison anyway. He was surprise to see how many things he worried about that he couldn’t do anything about anyway. I think this is where Doug’s faith plays a huge roll. He tells me to let God worry about that stuff, and he just prays and tells God that he can’t worry about and to let God figure it out.

As he would go through his list of worries, he would also create a list of things he could do that day to help any of the situations. For example, if he was worried about his wife not knowing how to handle a financial matter, he would write on his list, “call wife and explain how to take care of financial matter.” If he didn’t have enough money to make a phone call, then that wouldn’t be something he could do that day. He might write instead, “write a letter to wife about financial issue.” In this way he was a good steward of his worries and time. He was doing what he could today about the issues, and not worrying about thing over which he could not control. His frustration and anxiety decreased. Rather than wandering around the track worrying all day, he was busy doing what he could from his list, praying over the other stuff, and moving on with his life.
After a while, Doug noticed that his list of things he was worrying about was getting shorter, as he pared down what he couldn’t control, and took care of what he could, he realized that two things were happening. He was trusting God more and praying rather than worrying. He figured that perhaps one day he would simply be in prayer over anything that seemed to be causing him to worry rather than worrying about it long enough to even make a list. I guess that is the goal. To offer things to God before they fester into worry. I think Doug is on his way, and I like the model for my own life.

Jeff

The TV Room (#28)

2007-12-10T19:04:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I was voted into the "white" TV room. To refresh your memory, there are four TV rooms in my dorm, the white, the African American, the Hispanic, and the multi-use room. The white TV room is called such because the inmates do not watch BET, Univision, or Tedmundo in that room. There are non-whites in the white TV room, but there are no whites in the "black" or "Hispanic" TV rooms. I'm not sure why this is other than to quote a common axiom we have in prison that is, "try to remember you are in prison."

Prior to my prestigious election to the TV room, I had to sit with the peons and short-timers in the multi-use TV room. (The short-timers are ostracized because their sentences are so short that no one talks to them - not because they are rude or unfriendly, but it is hard to find someone that you like, and then they leave shortly thereafter, so the inmates figure better not to get to know them. But I digress) The multi-use room is also where dominoes is played. For some reason, and I can attribute this only to prison, but when playing dominoes, it is apparently essential to yell at your opponent while slamming down tiles. Actually, you can yell while not slamming down a tile, or slam down a tile and not yell, but most inmates prefer the double whammy, if you will. At any rate, the slamming of tiles and yelling occurs while other inmates are watching TV. One can probably guess that all the noise is a cause of friction for the inmates.

One should be aware that in order to watch TV in prison is quite different from just plopping oneself down on the couch and turning the television on. It is really quite different from a college dorm lounge as well. First, you need to have a radio to tune to the TV station's frequency to get sound. Second, you need headphones (otherwise, you might as well have it on mute). Unfortunately, the headphones don't help at all. Third, you are competing against noise from people who do not care if they are rude, and fourth, the guards do not care if there is confrontation about who is being too noise, so long as no fights break out. So, my "election" to the white TV room was a real boost to my prison experience.

How did I get elected? Well, I can only guess. I did participate in an emergency meeting of the white room TV guys at one point. The purpose of the meeting, from what I could tell, was to determine which shows would be played during the week. The weekends are reserved for the movies (more on that later). At that meeting, they group also voted two new guys into the room. From what I can tell, a guy who was leaving referred me to the leader of the white TV room. Then my name was passed around tot he other 10 guys. The purpose was to see if there were any strong objections. I guess there weren't. So, I was invited in. I did not realize there was a leader of the TV room, but shortly after the meeting he told me that I was "in." I said, "in what?" He said, "the TV room." He said I would be in the front, right under the TV. So, that was that.

I was now a member of the elite group of TV watchers. I do not think I have ever been voted into anything exclusive before. It was a bit of a thrill, to be honest. I must say, I have enjoyed the movies much more despite the fact that my neck gets a little crick in it.

One thing the TV room experience has shown me is that people are watching me and scrutinizing my attitude. The guys in the TV room do not want rude, selfish, and confrontational attitudes. They want to watch TV without disturbances. It is an organized way to keep the inmates happy over what to me seems to be a highly volatile issue of what people want to watch on TV. One thing I have tried to do is live in a way in which my actions would reflect who I am. I failed miserably at this many times and in many areas of my life. I'm hoping that demonstrating humility, respect, friendliness, and acceptance makes it obvious to the men around me that I'm a Christian. I want my lifestyle to be that of Christ. I hope that being voted into the TV room reflects, if only in a small way, that God is changing me to that end.

Jeff

Community (#27)

2007-12-05T18:21:00.000-08:00

Community

The author of a book that I read before I entered the prison camp wrote that you can never really have friends in prison. You may have many acquaintances, but not true friends. I believe his reason for making this assertion is that people in prison tend not to open up or be real or vulnerable with other inmates. In fact, I would be surprised if half of the details of the stories I hear are true. If people are not going to share about themselves honestly, then I would agree with that author, an inmate will never develop any true friendships. That, however, is true in prison and outside as well.

I have been asking myself if a person can be in “community” without having friends in that “community”? I suppose that could exist, but would it be a community in which you would want to belong? I think the prison community in which I am incarcerated suffers from this very issue. While I am fortunate to say I do have a couple of people in the church whom I would call friends, I think our community faces difficulty in reaching out to other inmates because we lack close friendships. After all, Jesus wants to be in relationship with people, and my church community here is not able to show what that looks like because we cannot even be in close relationship with each other. Granted, there are men in the church who do have friends, but the church as a whole seems to be bereft of the honest and authentic friendship that is required for spiritual growth.

Before I arrived at Taft, I explained to my wife what my goals would be during my time here (the book I read and other resources emphasized having goals for the time). My wife said that I should spend time with the men, be their friends, and show them the love of Christ. How does one do that in a place where showing hurt or fear is considered weak?

Maybe some of you go to churches and desire real fellowship and friendships, maybe you do not attend church, but want the same thing out of your relationships. I know finding a friend was my primary prayer request when I first arrived. I wanted to have someone to whom I could tell that I was sad, that I missed my family, to cry with about missing out on birthdays, holidays, and the little things that I took for granted. To me, sharing, praying, encouraging, supporting, and keeping me accountable are things that I expect friends to do and I want that. I asked a guy to pray with me every week in search of this. I did this on the outside as well, and it worked. I met with the guy for a couple of months. It did resolve some of my hopes and sharing and accountability, but I don’t think we have developed a friendship. I still pray with the guy and I know God is teaching me through this. But, I still wanted more. I wanted to laugh and talk about things we have in common. This was not working with my prayer partner. Something was missing.

About three or four months ago, a guy from the low level prison moved down to the camp. His name is Lalo. I started talking to him and we would walk around the track and chat. He asked me if I would help him with some classes he was taking. Over the course of a few weeks, we began talking regularly. The breakthrough in our becoming friends occurred when Lalo asked me one day to “be in his car.” This is one of those phrases unique to prison life (and perhaps I have explained this, but I’ll explain it again) that means you want to share a meal with someone. Although, it’s not just sitting and eating in the cafeteria (the give us 15 minutes to eat, so you don’t talk a lot), but being in someone’s car means that you prepare the meal together and eat together, outside of the cafeteria. This particular time, Lalo wanted me to join his “pasta car” and I did. Usually the driver of the car (the guy making the meal) dictates who is in the car, but if you know someone, it is okay to ask to be in the car.

I mention this because preparing and eating a meal with Lalo, and the conversation during this time was the reason we became friends. At that first meal, he showed me pictures of his family and friends. Pictures are about as personal as you get here, other than allowing someone to read your letters. I haven’t seen that happen yet (reading letters that is). I felt honored to be able to share in Lalo’s life like this. I have since shown Lalo pictures of my family as well, in fact, Lalo met my family during a visit once. Lalo works as the camp photographer. He takes pictures of inmates and their families during visits. It was during one of my family’s visits that I introduced my family to Lalo.
Lalo is not involved in our church. Yet Lalo is probably one of the 2 or 3 guys here about whom I could describe as a friend. We have since shared several cars and Lalo is showing me how to cook. Lalo does come to church sometimes with me. I’m hoping that through my friendship, a friendship that started through a meal, he will come to know Jesus as his Lord and Savior.

Jeff

Nicknames (#26)

2007-11-26T18:55:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't posted a blog entry for Jeff in almost a month. November has been a busy month, and Jeff has been preoccupied doing projects for his kids and wife. We traveled to CA for Thanksgiving, and the week was difficult because of the passing of my step-mother. I consider myself close to my step-brother Todd, who is similar to my age, and of course my dad. My heart was sad for them. It was a hard week for my whole family.

I don't know how many blogs Jeff will write over the course of the next month. This one is from about 3 weeks ago, and I have not received anything new from him recently. On to the blog.

I have a prison nickname. I am called Beckham by most of the inmates. In fact, few of them know my real name. Beckham is the name of an English soccer player who know plays for the LA Galaxy (US) and gets paid about $50 million per year to do so. He’s also married to Posh Spice. How did I get this nickname? It started about a month after I arrived in the Camp. I noticed some guys playing soccer, but I didn't play when I first arrived because I didn't have any shoes. It would be hard to play soccer with blue canvas shoes or steel toed boots. So, I finally got some tennis shoes around late May and as I was walking the track with a baseball cap on, I saw a guy from my dorm who was playing soccer. I asked him if I could play. So, there I was, the only white guy among 20 Latino guys. They were just about to pick teams, just like elementary school with 3 captains picking teams. Predictably I, with my baseball cap on and my glasses (so I can see) donned, was picked last.

Around this time, I weighted about 175 pounds. Not exactly fit, but better than when I arrived. Still, for soccer standards, I was out of shape. But, I played pretty well that first day. Because the guys with whom I was playing didn't know my name, they started calling me Beckham. After all, he is the only white soccer player they know. The nickname stuck and transcended to my dorm and other classes. In many respects I’m lucky because most of the nicknames given are not complimentary.

Most of the nicknames given here come from sports. How good (or bad) one is at a particular sport generally dictates the nickname, coupled with some physical attribute. One of the first guys I met is nicknamed “slow motion.” I didn't quite get that until I saw him play. He’s not very fast. It’s that obvious. Another older guy who plays soccer is nicknamed “pops.” I actually find myself calling him that too. My friend, Doug, got his nickname from his various features and activities. One should understand a little bit about Doug. He, like most guys who arrive, is a little overweight. He’s also an elder at the church here and a nice guy in general. He plays softball here, and the guys out there gave him the ironic nickname of “family guy.” This is from the television show, and the guy is irreverent is sarcastic. Doug is not.

Some other nicknames are gang names. I don’t know much about this culture or how they got these names. I asked a guy once how he got the nickname “gizmo” and he said he’s always had it, as if his parents called him that since birth because his birth name was too long or something. At the time, I didn't realize that this was a gang given name. I don’t know for sure, but I think these are some other gang names that I have come across: “weasel,” “bones,” and “rascal.” I can’t always tell a gang name from a regular nickname. There’s another guy they call “parrot.” I asked him how he got that name (I asked a lot of dumb questions when I first got here, and I guess the new guys can get away with it for a while). He told me he used to have a parrot. I have no idea what to make of that.

One of the better names is “machine gun.” This guy is a retired fire chief. Our media makes these guys look like heroes (which many of them are). However, our judicial system could care less. This guy is in for having an unregistered machine gun. So much for the 2nd amendment. This is strange because while a state may infringe on this right, this guy is in a Federal prison camp, so he must have violated federal law. I can’t figure out how, since the 2nd amendment applies to federal laws, and states that the right to bear arms will not be infringed. I digress, but it would appear that our government has a different copy of the Constitution than “machine gun” has. Anyway, his nickname is great.

Then there are nicknames that are sarcastic. They appear like a compliment but are not and are jokes about the person. There is a guy who was a mayor of a city. He condescends to just about everyone and acts as though he is above the whole system. I don’t think he realizes how he is viewed. Everyone calls him “mayor.” He probably thinks it’s a compliment, but it’s not.

Another guy here likes to tell people how they should work out. He thinks he’s totally built and he likes to flex his muscles in mirrors and anything that will provide a reflection (really, I’m not making this stuff up). He is called the “professor” and it’s not because he’s smart. He’s the professor of working out, but no one respects his help.

Older guys seem to get bad names. One guy would wander around and kill flies. He’s about 80 years old. We started calling him “death.” One reason for that was he killed a lot of flies, but also when he wears his dark jacket, he looks like the grim reaper. Another older guy is called “papa smurf.” I guess he doesn't mind so much, but he does look like papa smurf. It’s part of the culture.

For me, I hope that my nickname is positive aspect that allows me to relate cross culturally to the men here. I want to be able talk to these guys and be trusted by them, and I hope that my soccer skills will help. I always hoped that soccer would open doors for me to evangelize, but it didn't really turn out that way over the years. I hope that my nickname reflects an acceptance in the little soccer community here that allows me to be a witness to these men who I otherwise probably wouldn't know.

Jeff

Comments (#25)

2007-10-30T18:20:00.000-07:00

Jeff has asked what kind of blogs his friends find the most interesting. If you could leave comments on this blog about which blogs you enjoyed most, or what you would like to read about Jeff in forthcoming blogs, he would appreciate it. He is not even sure who is reading. I'm not either, to be honest. I just post them.

I will copy the comments and send them to Jeff in a letter next week. Also, if you haven't written Jeff in a while, I would ask that you do. This will be his first Thanksgiving and Christmas away from his wife and kids. He could use all the letters, prayers, and encouragement he can get.

Thanks,
Scott

Quarterly Update (#24)

2007-10-30T18:17:00.000-07:00

Quarterly Update

October 13th marked my 6 month milestone at the Taft Federal Prison Camp. I will say that the last three months went by more quickly and more easily than the first three months. The first three months I would have say were highlighted by the soccer league and the exercise class of which I was a part. I lost about 20 pounds during the first three months.

Soccer ended in the middle of August and I re-injured my ankle in the last game. I had injured my ankle around Father’s Day, and then let it heal a bit before playing about 6 more games before injuring it again. At least it was the last game and I was able to rest. I wasn’t too concerned since the next league doesn’t start until mid-November. I’m not 100% yet, but I should be able to play when the league starts. That’s a nice distraction from the tedium of life here.

I started another 12 week exercise class in mid-September. This class has helped me lose another 5 pounds. I’m also able to do sit-ups, push-ups, and pull-ups at a rate I’ve never been able to do before. The class is very difficult. I actually puked after one class. Perhaps that will give you an idea of how this classes pushes our bodies to the limit. I would never challenge myself to this degree if working out on my own. The leader of the class is an ex-special forces guy. He designs cards (a piece of cardboard) with various exercises on them. He also names the cards. One card is named “Death.” It isn’t fun. A few other card names are “Hell,” “Pain,” and “Dirt Diver.” The objective of dirt diver is to leave the participant face down in the dirt after the workout. You know that you have arrived when you dip for a push-up and you can’t get back up. Just as an aside, I’m not the first or the last person to have lost their previous meal during one of these workouts.

The benefit to all of this working out is that I can now run 3 miles in about 22 minutes. I haven’t done that in years. I hope to get to a fitness point to what I was doing in college. That would be 4 miles in 30 minutes. I also hope to lose another 5 – 10 pounds and add more muscle.

With the onset of Fall, I’ve been pleasantly surprised by a better selection and the new Fall television shows. Each weekend we have 6 movies, 2 each night from Friday to Sunday. Friday night is usually the best movie and a new release. I did not watch many movies in the late Spring and Summer because not much comes out on DVD from late May through August. Finally, in Sept. we started seeing some better movies come to Taft. A good movie can really help your disposition. The new TV shows have provided a minor distraction during the week. I watch a show called “Chuck” on Monday nights. It makes me laugh. Laughs are not easy to find here. College and pro football have made it easier to get through Sat. and Sun. So, all in all, the days go by much more quickly than they used to during my first three months here. Of course, I still miss my family very much.

I started my marketing and advertising courses through Ohio U. in the past quarter. I probably started them right around the beginning of my second quarter here, in mid-July. The classes have helped fill time, but more importantly, have helped me prepare for my release. Most of what I will need to learn to be successful upon release I will have to learn and pay for on my own like these Ohio U. classes. As a side note, I have not taken a class at Taft that was taught by a staff person. So far, all of the classes offered here have been taught by other inmates. The slogan for the company that manages our camp is “Preparing offenders for reentry.” I find this ironic since the staff here hasn’t done one thing to prepare me for anything. Well, I should clarify, they have forced me to make my bed every morning by 8 am, so that is something that I can use upon release.

The other nice change these last 3 months has been the arrival of a good friend named Doug. We hit it off quickly. He’s a Christian guy who is doing a lot in the church here. It’s helpful to have someone with whom you can laugh or pray. We walk the track together a few nights a week and just share what’s on our minds. It’s nice to be able to trust someone here, and he has been an answer to prayer.

During the past three months I have missed my oldest son, Connor’s, birthday. That was more difficult than I thought it would be. I try to stay connected with him by including a drawing, activity sheet, or magazine picture for him with every letter I write home (that’s 3 a week). I think it works to some extent, but he told me during a visit after his birthday that he didn’t want anymore birthdays until I come home. That broke my heart. If also goes well, I should be able to be at home just in time for his 7th birthday.

I also missed my 7-year anniversary. I am thankful that I have an anniversary to miss. My wife is so supportive and dedicated to me. I’m lucky to have her and God has truly blessed me with Laura. It’s difficult to show love to your family in prison. One of the few ways is simply writing her. I do that as much as I can. I look forward to actually writing her because I know in a small way we are connecting and that our love and friendship is growing even during this separation.

The next three months will probably be the most difficult 3 months I will spend here. Please pray for me and my family as we go through the Holidays apart.

Jeff

Serving God (#23)

2007-10-27T16:11:00.000-07:00

I’m sure we’ve all heard the phrase “serve God where you are.” While it’s a great phrase, it doesn’t do much for me in a practical sense. How do you serve God where you work? I really don’t have the answer to that. My hope is that maybe through some shared experiences we can gain insight from each other.

A friend of mine sent me a letter recently. My friend is a teacher. She just started school where she was teaching a new grade and was given some challenging kids. She was stuck. The principal was not going to change. Oddly, her situation is similar to what how many inmates feel about prison. Someone else decides with whom you will live and creates a bunch of ambiguous and whimsical rules that seemingly are only there to annoy the inmates. (One of my favorite rules here is that we are only allowed to put “soiled” clothing in our laundry bags. Who would put clean clothes in there, who cares what kind of clothes we put in there, and who checks to make sure all the clothes are soiled?) My friend’s response to the arbitrary rules she faces is a great lesson about serving God where you are. She believes that God's purpose for her situation is to love the kids, teach them, and show them Christ.

I think this is what being a Christian is about, showing a bit of Christ wherever we are. Love people and show them who Christ is. Obviously, this is easier said that done. The perception of prison is that we all have done something wrong, so we deserve this punishment. I agree with this. Nobody here is innocent, at least not in a moral sense. The truth is God has decided that prison is where I should be with all its ridiculous rules and very little I can do to change things. And just like my friend in her situation where the principal is unyielding, I can either accept my situation and love the people here, or rebel and be angry about the injustice of it all. Unfortunately, I sometimes do both, but I’m slowly beginning to let go of the frustrations and anger and starting to look for and see where God is working here. This is me being a spiritual warrior or super-Christian. God broke me despite my stubbornness. It wasn’t hard, everyone here is hurting, and it’s clear that these people want someone to love them. So, as I began to yield to God, I was able to see where I could serve God here much more easily and that God has a purpose here for me. I have befriended a few non-believers here, some from soccer and another through tutoring. The last time I had almost an equal number of Christian and non-Christian friends was probably in college. As my teacher friend wrote about loving the kids, I too feel that God has called me to love these men. This is not where I want to be. But it is where God has me and I want to serve him.

So, if you are in a job that you hate, you might want to consider a different perspective. Why does God have you there? Think about the people around you. Who around you needs Christ’s love? I don’t think God wants us to evangelize everyone, but if you are honest with God and willing to submit yourself to him, I do believe that He will put in on your heart why he has you where you are and show you those whom you should seek to help.

Jeff

Tithing (#22)

2007-10-21T14:19:00.000-07:00

A guy I know approached me with a question about tithing. He had talked to a friend who had told him that he should tithe 10% to a church. This friend also told him that he should just trust the church in how it used the money. He was confused. As he relayed this story to me, he felt angry that the church wanted this money when he was giving to organizations that helped starving kids in Africa. The question this guy asked was whether it was wrong for him to tithe outside of church. Maybe you have had someone ask you a similar question or have been thinking about tithing. What makes this situation strange is that the guy who was asking me about this is not a Christian and was asking about tithing in prison.

My current job in prison is to check out recreation equipment to other inmates. It’s very similar to the job I had at the YMCA when I was 17. However, as an inmate, I get paid about $0.36 per hour. This non-Christian acquaintance works in the kitchen in the mornings. He puts milk in the milk dispensers. He gets paid the same amount that I do, which, for the record, is about $13 per month. Yet, he is seriously asking me about tithing 10% of this. Perhaps in prison is the best place to figure this out. I don’t know, but he sure was serious about getting an answer.

When I was on the “outside” I used to take my pay and roughly allocate it 10% to tithing. If I budgeted well, I could pay my mortgage, buy food, pay off the cars and have some savings and entertainment money. If I did that same calculation in prison (I have no mortgage, and a very limited need for money for food) I would need to borrow money just to make phone calls and pay for postage to send letters to family and friends. Never mind the occasional soda, shoes, and various things like paper, pencils, and toiletries I have to purchase. In fact, $13 would barely cover my toiletries for the month. Many inmates do not have a source of income from the “outside” to help them pay for phone calls, etc. They are dependent on friends and family (as I am) to send us extra money. My extra money goes to for phone calls and writing. I estimate that I spend $50 per month on keeping in touch with my family and friends. It’s about the best $50 I can spend in this place. But, my view of tithing has changed because of this 6 months I have been in prison.

Tithing in prison is, well, a violation of the rules of the bureau of prisons. You are not permitted to give anything of value to another inmate. This extends to families so having my wife send money to another inmate’s wife to give to her inmate husband is a violation of the rules. This does happen, but if caught, it will get one a trip to the “hole,” the segregated housing unit and other disciplinary actions. You may ask, “what?” The purpose is to prevent extortion, a legitimate concern in prison. Of course, extortion is very limited if it exists at all at a prison camp. But, guys do make bets and lose and need money to pay off the debt. My church here thought we had found a way around this rule. We created a tithing box administered by the chaplain. The box was locked, and only the chapel clerks (4 inmates) and the chaplain could get into the box. The rationale was that inmates were giving to the chaplain and the chaplain was giving the stuff to inmates. It was totally anonymous, to prevent extortion. However, the prison admin stopped the tithing box practice. The reality is that we still tithe. We just do so within our dorms. It’s a violation of the rules, but most of the guards don’t mind a guy giving a toothbrush, deodorant, a pencil, etc away to other inmates, which the Christians here like to do.

This may sound very giving and spiritual. But, there’s a problem. The non-Christians do a better job at it than the Christians do. Many guys come in and by the end of their second day they have shorts, running shoes, and sometimes radios. It took me four days to get underwear, pants, and a t-shirt. I had 1 set of clothes for 95 hours. I did get shower sandals and a soap dish from the tithe box. This was before the prison removed the box. The non-Christians, for the most part, give the stuff to get things in return, like favors (job assignments, bunks, etc), food, and various other amenities., and so they don’t generally give unconditionally, but sometimes they do, especially with little things like a toothbrush. I try to make sure new people have stuff, but generally, I don’t feel so bad for most of the guys. As far as getting stuff is concerned, most come in much better off than I was.

I try to take a certain approach with the new people rather than just giving them stuff. Most of these men have been torn away from their families, sometimes with little notice of when they need to report. They are alone in a mass of strange people and mannerisms. It’s a surreal experience, and one is really no more than an object, not a person. The staff generally view all criminals alike, as murderers. I have yet to meet a murderer in the camp, and murders, unless one tries to kill a government official is not a federal crime, but a state crime. So, they wouldn’t be in federal prison anyway. At any rate, the guards lump all the men together regardless of crime, race, or any other differentiation factor. Now you are just a felon. The other inmates don’t care either. You are just a new guy with blue canvas shoes and a t-shirt that doesn’t fit. If you are lucky, a Bunkie will help you out, but they may not become a friend. I’ve read that you can never really have a friend in prison (and perhaps you don’t want to make friends, I don’t know), and for the most part, this is true. But, I am finding that it is not always the case. Granted, most guys I meet, I probably wont’ talk to again (there are a lot of people here, and they are always changing). However, I believe this is because no one takes the risk to truly become a friend in the first place. I would like to change that perception.

The first thing I offer to new people is something like socks. I make sure to mention that there are no strings attached. As I said, many guys give conditionally, they say that there are no strings attached only to come back a few weeks later asking for something. I also try to introduce the new inmates to the people I already know. I don’t care where you are, if someone remembers your name the next day after you meet them, you feel like a person, not just chattel. I want the new people to get connected as quickly as possible. I view the giving away of socks as a tithe. I think it has a more personal affect than getting socks out of a tithing box. I want the new people to know that other inmates care, but I do want to new people to know who we are. They need to know that they can go to someone if they have a need. I think that is the beginning of outreach.

To go back to the guy who came to me with the question about tithing, we can see that I did not tithe to a church, or for the pastor to get a salary or whatever. My answer to the guy has nothing to do, however, with how the church will spend the money. Rather, my issue is that I want to see the affect of the tithe, what is it doing to build God’s kingdom. I enjoy seeing how God uses what we give back to him. I’m finding that watching how God uses what I offer him and seeing the impact on others is a very rewarding spiritual experience.

There is a passage in Luke 16 that mirrors what I’m saying about tithing (or giving). The passage is a parable, a difficult one at that. However, don’t get bogged down by it. The explanation appears to be summed up in verse 9 – Jesus saying, “I tell you, use worldly wealth to gain friends for yourselves, so that when it is gone, you will be welcomed into eternal dwellings.” Note what it doesn’t say – there is nothing about saving for retirement, a bigger home, your kids’ education, etc. No, it’s about using wealth to build something eternal, that is, relationships. Jesus says use wealth to build the kingdom God, and you will be welcomed in heaven. Why should we spend our money on others rather than ourselves, well, verse 13 says because you cannot love both God and money.

Jeff

Mother Teresa (#21)

2007-10-09T18:16:00.000-07:00

Recently Time magazine had an article about Mother Teresa (I couldn't find the link - Scott). The article commented on numerous letters that Mother Teresa wrote in which she says she does not feel the presence of God. Of course, this makes for much anti-God sentiment. Despite the fact that I immensely dislike Time magazine, the article was not too one-sided. However, I found the most relevant and truthful information on the last page. It was on the last page that I read about how all Christians have experienced doubt and as a result, questioned God's presence. It's during those times that we see how to respond to God. As Mother Teresa wrote, "If this brings you glory - if souls are brought to you - with joy I accept all to the end of my life."

Oddly, Mother Teresa's situation is not unlike how many Christians in prions feel every day. while my time served will be 28-29 months, I do know how feels to be in the dark. Our pastor here, Mike Savage, spoke on spiritual winters (which I wrote about before). Mike was in prison for 16 years. I know he went years without feeling God's presence. However, like Mother Teresa, he continued to minister to the lost men he encountered daily. He lived with them, ate with them, socialized with them, and in some cases, helped them come to know Jesus Christ as their Savior and Lord.

Prison, of course, is not like the streets of India. WE have food and a place to sleep. In some prisons you may encounter violence, but not in a camp. Nonetheless, it is a place where many men come without hope. For those of us who know the Lord, we are asked to share that hope, to accept all with joy if souls are added to the kingdom. I pray every morning the simplest of prayers: Jesus, I'm here to serve you. I don't always feel Jesus next to me, or close to me. I get angry and the injustice of this place and I grieve deeply over not being with my family. However, I continue to trust and to serve because this is where God has me.

There is one aspect of Mother Teresa's life that this article largely overlooks. It ignores the impact that Mother Teresa had on other people's lives. There is one part in the article where a reporter goes to India to do a story on Mother Teresa. He later accepts Christ. I think he experienced God's love through Mother Teresa. I'm sure that there are many people who have experienced God's love, mercy, kindness, and grace through Mother Teresa.

I know that here at Taft there are a number of men who have felt and experienced God's love because of a Christian who was simply obeying God. I hope that when I leave, regardless of how dark the time may have been for me, that Jesus says, "well done my faithful servant."

Jeff

A Typical Day - Part 1 (#20)

2007-10-08T10:22:00.000-07:00

In one of my earliest blogs I described the camp. I thought I would share about a typical day in the camp as it is very different from my life before entering the camp.

I wake up around 6 am every day (weekends included). I know it is 6 am because about 10 different watch alarms beep in the various cubicles that surround me. I get out of bed and get ready for work. Unlike work on the outside, I don't take a shower before my job. I do, however, put on pants and boots as required by the staff. I also make my bed before I go to work, which I'm sure will become a habit I can't stop when I'm released. I know my wife will appreciate that. I then proceed to my job. At the moment, my job is checking out recreation equipment to other inmates. I work from 6:30 to 9 am. Usually I am relieved by the guy who works after me by 8 am. It's a good job mainly because I write a letter during that time. Most jobs would not avail me the opportunity to write or read while working. So, this job is good for that. It would be a lot like emailing at a regular job, but I only get paid $.12 and hour and I only work for 1 1/2 hours a day.

After work I exercise. Sometimes this is walking the track and sometimes I'm doing an exercise class. I usually walk after the class no matter what. This walking time is also my prayer time. I enjoy this time to think and pray about my family and friends. This helps me stay focused on God in spite of the monotony of prison life. At about 9:45 am I will shower and get ready for lunch. We get counted at 10:30. This is a standing count. For some odd reason they make all inmates stand while they count us. Believe me when I say this requirement does nothing to improve the guards' ability to count. The first day I arrived I was with 2 other guys in a sound proof cell waiting to get placed in the camp. It was 4 pm, the other standing count during the day, and the guards were yelling at us to stand. Of course, being our first day and being in a sound proof cell, we had no idea what they wanted. I twas comical watching them get more and more irritated because we did not stand. As a general rule you don't want to make a guard ask you twice to do something. For some reason, these guards could not determine the obvious and after a few minutes I figured out they wanted us to stand up. That was my first, but not last, standing count incident.

After the 10:30 am count we are released for lunch. The strange thing about eating is that you are encouraged to eat quickly. In fact, you are given 15 minutes to eat. Normally this does not pose a problem because the food is not great and you don't get much. It does train one to eat fast (my wife will not appreciate my quick eating habit when I'm released). You learn certain table manners that the outside world doesn't practice. You must ask the other 3 guys before you grab the salt or pepper. So, rather than say, "please pass the salt," you would say, "may I have the salt, please?" Then, when finished, before leaving the table, you are supposed to knock on the table twice. I've dropped this practice by simply saying, "have a good evening or day." I don't know if anyone cares, but I like talking to them, rather than using knocks. It seems more personable. I usually eat with people I know anyway.

After lunch I have some free time. I usually go spend this time reading or writing. If I'm reading, then I'm reading my marketing textbook or some fictional novel. If I'm writing, it's either homework or letters. I will sometimes draw pictures or cut out magazine pictures for my kids at this time. I'll give the typical day for the afternoon and evening in a later blog.

Jeff

A Friend (#19)

2007-09-29T16:47:00.000-07:00

Jeff is working on some blog entries, so in the meantime, I'll update you on some things that are going on with him.

I believe I have written in the past about prison life (and Jeff will give you a typical day in his life in Taft). I do not recall if I have written about the statistics of who is there with him. In general, federal prison camp differs significantly from state prisons in one significant way. In order to go to a Federal Prison, you have to violate a federal law. So, the stuff you see on tv in your local towns, shootings, etc. are state law violations. However, when you see a drug bust, that is a violation of federal law. As such, the statistics indicate that between 80 and 85 percent of peopel incarcerated in Federal Prisons are there for drug convictions. Most of these drug offenders are from gangs. At the prison camp level, you get more diversity, (the Martha Stewarts types, etc.) but the majority are still drug offenders, and still, the majority have little higher education and grew up in gangs. In fact, the only required education a person get in prison is a GED, and the bureau of prisons wants to get the gang offenders an basic education and job training to get out of what they call the "committed criminal lifestyle."

Anyway, to move along, I wrote about how the prison is a barter economy and how guys trade for everything from clothes to food to seats at the movies. Because many of these guys have a lower than high school reading level, comics are a very popular reading material. I'm not making a judgment against comics (I love them), but they generally have fewer words that books and the story is told as much through words as through the art. Moreover, they take much less time to read and anything that will pass time in the mundane life of a prisoner is welcome. Jeff did not know this until he received some comics and found that they were very popular.

This brings me to my point. Jeff has a very good friend who also is a penciler for comic books. His name is Todd Nauck. I wanted to profile Todd since Jeff has been very fortunate to know Todd (Jeff loves comics, for those of you who don't know), and Todd has been faithful in sending Jeff comics every month. Jeff reads the comics and then usually trades them for a ride in the car (when the other inmates make their own meals, they call it riding in a car - I have no idea why) of another inmate. Here is, in Todd's own words, how he met Jeff.

I met Jeff in 1996 at Mariner's Church in Irvine, California. Jeff and I shared a love of Christ, comics, and Mystery Science Theater 3000. I would come over to Jeff and Scott's apartment at least twice a week to hang out. We became really great friends over the next several years. We did our best to keep in touch once Jeff moved out of Southern California. I do my best to keep Jeff supplied with comics during this difficult time. My prayers are with him.

I mentioned in a previous post Todd's work. I'm adding a link to his website on the blog page, http://www.wildguard.com/. Jeff has been tremendously blessed by Todd over the years, and now who would have thought that comics would be a valuable commodity in prison. Some of you may know Todd, but I imagine many of you do not. Todd has worked in the comic book industry for over 13 years as an artist for DC Comics and Marvel Comics. He recently wrapped up a run of Marvel's "Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man" series and is currently drawing "Teen Titans Go" for DC Comics. Todd also writes and draws an original comic book called "WildGuard" about a reality TV super hero team. Todd's site features tons of original sketches and character designs from the many comic books he's worked on. I encourage you to check it out. I think Todd is extremely talented.

Jeff is blessed by so many of you and I wish I could write about all of you (maybe I can). I just wanted to write about how such a simple act of sending comics could bless Jeff in so many ways. It just shows me that God puts people and relationships in our lives for reasons we may not understand or fully appreciate until years later. I'm learning that lesson over and over again through this time with my brother.

Rejoice (#18)

2007-09-08T07:15:00.000-07:00

I've wanted to share my thoughts about the goodness of God. This topic has been on my mind and heart for well over 2 years now. However, I don't think I can put everything I've learned into one entry. Also, I don't think I've learned all that God has for me in the area of his goodness. I don't think I will ever fully grasp it though. I will share over the next several weeks some thoughts on God's goodness.

In one of the bible studies at Taft Correctional Institution (it sounds like a place of higher learning, but it's not) we are studying Philippians. The leader of the study, who is an elder at a church where he lives (this is Doug that I wrote about in my last email - Scott), taught on Phil. 4:4. (By the way, Doug is in for misrepresenting his financial status on a government form and that's why he's serving 33 months. Jeff says that the little things matter and it's not just between you and God - Scott) The passage says, "Rejoice in the Lord always. Again, I say rejoice!" The dictionary defines rejoice as "to give or feel joy." Without delving into the context of Philippians, I think we can take Paul's command and go with it. Paul is telling the Philippian church to feel join in the Lord. We can also do that. However, we can't allow our circumstances to dictate when we rejoice. The bible study leader's point was that the act of rejoicing will have an effect on you. To proactively rejoice or find joy in the Lord will help defend you against despair, depression, loneliness, and sadness. We all know that once we feel despair that it is difficult to rejoice in much of anything. Rejoicing is a preventative measure against the trials and difficulties you will face. If you aren't facing any difficulties, then you have much to rejoice about. If you find yourself lonely, sad, or in despair or depressed, it is much more difficult to rejoice; to find joy in anything much less in the Lord. I have learned in prison that I can always find something in which I can rejoice in the Lord.

Some of you may be surprised by that. Here we have very little. I own 12 pairs of socks, 10 t-shirts, 5 pairs of pants, 3 pairs of grey shorts, 1 sweatshirt, 2 towels, and 1 pair of shoes. I cannot buy cereal. All I get is corn flakes. Yet, despite not having the normal comforts of the outside, the action of rejoicing in prison is easier because I am here. I can see how God provides for me. I cannot go anywhere beyond the approved 10 acre complex. I walk our track sometimes 20-25 times a day. Yet, I am learning to see God's glory in wildflowers, sunsets, or in regular conversations. I am learning to rejoice in the Lord always. As I am learning to do so, I'm finding that I don't despair as much, that I'm not as lonely. It's not a choice. I can't just say that I'm going to rejoice or be joyful today. It's an attitude adjustment, a paradigm shift. You have to really appreciate who you are in Christ, what you have through Christ, and how Christ will be with you. I started my shift by simply being thankful for what I had. I found that I was much better of than I thought I was. It was a very small step. Each day I would find something for which I could be thankful. I would write it down for my wife. Here are a few because I think they will show you what I mean by starting small.
Ice Machine (it's very hot here, and we have one in our dorm - it's awesome)
Dr. Pepper (I love this stuff)
Cotton Mattress (most people don't have these and so I'm very fortunate. It's like camping every night)
Pop Tarts (this gets me through those bad food days)
Soccer Field (I love soccer and I get to play in prison)
Comic Books
USA Today

Rejoice in the Lord always. I think Paul had something here. I hope you can find something each day in your life that will show you God's goodness so that you can find joy in the Lord despite circumstances.

Jeff

Some new info (#17)

2007-09-06T19:39:00.000-07:00

I haven't had a chance to update Jeff's blog. I only have one pending blog, but I thought I would provide some information that I have gathered from some of Jeff's letters I have received over the past couple of weeks.

As you may have read about previously in this blog, when Jeff initially entered the camp, one of his main concerns and prayers was that he would find a person with whom he could pray, trust, and just share his fears, concerns, joys, etc. that those of us on the "outside" take for granted. I do not recall if Jeff wrote about how inmates generally are very private people. There are a few reasons for this. First, they are surrounded by convicted criminals. Some are in for failing to pay child support (like Jeff's current prayer partner Tim), while the vast majority are in there for drug related offenses. Nevertheless, the culture is one of trickery and manipulation of other inmates. Second, the inmates are dynamic in that they all have varying sentences and could be moved to another institution at any time. They are property of the bureau of prisons, and they must adjust to being chattel of the government. Again, you may recall me writing about Michael Santos. He was moved to Taft because they thought he was "conducting a business" from prison, which is prohibited. Third is just the fact that these are all men, who don't open up and share their feelings very easily.

Anyway, my point in all this is that God provided Jeff a prayer partner very early on in his sentence in Tim. Tim, as I mentioned, was sentenced to Taft for failing to pay child support. However, Tim leaves Taft in Jan. '08. Obviously a few months away yet, but Jeff was going to lose his prayer partner. Recently, however, a strange development occurred up on Oregon at a Federal Prison Camp. The guards were bringing in contraband to the camp prisoners at the Sheridan camp. So, in order to prevent this, locals were assigned or moved to different camps. A guy named Doug who lives in Oregon was sent to Taft (I do not know the nature of the offense - but Jeff told me that he turned himself into the FBI over the situation). It turns out that Doug was an elder in his church in Newberg, Oregon (which is about 30 minutes from where I live in Portland), has a similar education and background as Jeff, and is also interested in finding a prayer partner. Jeff and Doug have been walking around the rec yard and Jeff has said that he enjoys Doug's company very much. One thing that Jeff can cling to with Doug is that he was sentenced to 33 months. So, Doug's release date will fall shortly after Jeff's, which will provide Jeff with the consistency in a prayer partner that he wanted, not to mention a guy that he can confide in and share with. Jeff and Tim will still pray together, but they will add Doug as well.

There is more to this story about Jeff's church if you read the previous blog, and I believe that is the subject of Jeff's blog that I will update shortly.

Oh, Jeff's son, Connor, has his birthday on Sept. 13. So, keep Jeff in your prayers as this is the first of a few birthdays that he will miss of his kids.

Scott

Who is the Pastor? (#16)

2007-08-19T10:57:00.000-07:00

This installment will be a little different. Rather than sharing something about me, I thought I would provide an observation and prayer request. I received an Internet posting from my friends, Russ and Julie Darr. They wanted to share with me about a church that they are attending. The thing about this church is that there is no "head pastor" as many of us would ascribe to many of the pastors of churches we have attended or do attend. I've been drawn to this concept since shortly after I graduated from college. I had experienced a bible study where 50% of the people were involved in the study by either doing music,leading prayer, emceeing, or teaching. It struck me that the people in that bible study were using their gifts within the body. I have emulated that study elsewhere and I like how it challenged people to be an active participant in the body of Christ, or the church.

The posting I received provides a good biblical foundation for this structure. It reads, "Like all bible-believing churches, we trust that our church is led by the one and only Head of the church, our lord Jesus Christ. We believe Christ does this through his word as revealed in the Old and New Testament, and, as the Scripture teaches, through the leadership of elders (variously named pastors, overseers, or shepherds). We believe the New Testament teaches a plurality of pastors/elders: eg, Acts 14:23 'So when they had appointed elders in every church . . . ' There is no mention of a church led by a single elder, or pastor int he New Testament. For example remember James' advice to those who are sick. He doesn't suggest calling the pastor, but the elders of the church. James 4:14. We are convinced that leadership by a group of elders/pastors is the Biblical pattern.

Other than the aforementioned reason that I agree with this structure, there is another reason this article intrigued me. Our church here at Taft CI is structured this way. I have probably mentioned that we have a head pastor. However, he is really a head teacher. He is not an elder. Some of the elders will teach, but they have other gifts. One is clearly the shepherd of the church. He looks after the teachers and the others who are involved. The result of this structure is that Taft CI is led by 5 elders/pastors. They all share equal authority, though at times with differing roles. And those roles flow out of the gifts and passions the Spirit has given them.

Our church here is going through some major changes. Our head teacher is being released after 16 years of incarceration. One of our elders may have to significantly reduce the time he has to devote to the church. The nature of prison life is change and flux. It is accepted, but the church has been blessed with a rare amount of stability. I have been praying that God would use me wherever he wants. I ask that you would pray for our church and for God to make it clear to me what my role is or should become. The Taft CI church is regarded as one of the best prison churches in the system. This comes from inmates who both leave here and come here from other institutions. God is working through this church and I sense that Satan is trying to take advantage of these changes to discourage the believers here.

I want to thank the Darrs for sharing their church with me. I met the Darrs in Roseville as we were both seeking to find a church body. They became and still our good friends to me and my wife.

Jeff

Quick update (#15)

2007-08-14T19:55:00.000-07:00

My brother decided to give me a break from the blog entries for a little while, and so I haven't had anything to write for a couple of weeks. I did receive an update on the blog about four days ago, but have not been able to post. I just wanted to send this little update from a couple of letters that I received.

First, Jeff has had trouble sleeping since his arrival. As you may have read, Jeff is housed in a cubicle, but it is not closed, in a large warehouse type structure. Noise carries and people are up at all hours in the bunks. Jeff can hear everything. Recently, however, he was able to move to a two-man cube instead of the three-man cube that he was in. He said it is toward the back, so there is a lot less noise and he is finally able to get some more sleep. Also, he has more room to write and study, so that is also nice. His bunk mate is a guy he lived with when he first arrived, so he already knew the guy. He does miss his old bunk mates, but he still stops by for visits and to help cook and eat the now famous tacos that I wrote about in a previous post.

In addition, before Jeff left for camp, I had done some research on the Internet about prison camp life, and what to expect. There is very little information, by the way, but one thing I did find was a web site called www.michaelsantos.net . I encourage you to visit this site just to see what a guy who has been through all the levels of prison security has to say about the experience. Michael earned a bachelors and masters degree while incarcerated, and has written several books (his latest, Inside, is a fantastic read). Anyway, I told Jeff about this site and he read many of the posts. Michael's time in prison was sort of the basis for how Jeff wanted to structure his time, with a goal-oriented focus on developing spiritually, intellectually, and physically. It turns out the Michael was sent to Taft in late June. Jeff had a chance to meet Michael and he said he was a nice guy and easy to talk to. This is significant in that there are few people in prison who are genuine, and not trying to manipulate or scam someone. Michael is a guy who is not trying to do that, but grow as a person. Jeff felt like God placed Michael at Taft for a reason. Perhaps just for encouragement, or for a friend, or what, Jeff isn't sure, but it was just nice to feel like he knew this guy from before he entered prison and that Michael was a person that Jeff could trust.

I will try and post Jeff's blog in the next few days. He is still playing soccer and his team is in the playoffs.

Scott

Spiritual Seasons (#14)

2007-07-26T19:18:00.000-07:00

I heard a sermon here on spiritual seasons. The pastor focused on winter, even though it is the middle of summer. Anyway, he was saying how we as Christians will go through spiritual winters. These are times when we will not feel like very good Christians. We won't be sharing the gospel. We might not even feel like the gospel has any personal meaning. Church won't have much appeal and you probably won't be reading your Bible during a spiritual winter. I agreed with him in the sense that many Christians do go through those times. I'm not sure if this concept is biblical or not. I haven't done any research on it. I was also unsure if God caused the "spiritual winters" or if it was through our own rebellion and sin that we felt these "seasons." I think the reality is many of us have gone through a difficult spiritual time. I should distinguish between a spiritual a "spiritual winter" and a period of apathy. A "spiritual winter" is a time when you faith is challenged. External and internal factors make you re-evaluate what you believe about God and who God is. Spiritual apathy usually occurs when you are not being challenged although some of the effects of spiritual apathy do look like the spiritual winter. My belief is that God causes or allows spiritual winters. It is a time for growth and eventually renewal (Spring!). Spiritual apathy is caused by sin. How can you tell the difference? According to our pastor, the one thing that exists during a spiritual winter is a desire to know God. You may cry out to Him in pain, hurt, or anger. You may question Him. You may doubt your understanding of Him, but you are still engaging Him, the great I am. During your spiritual winter God will reveal to you things about Himself. You will come out of it renewed. If you are spiritually apathetic, you won't be talking to God or engaging Him at all. That's the big difference.

I've been spiritually apathetic and I believe I went through a spiritual winter. During my spiritual winter I didn't want to go to church. I didn't take communion. I didn't want to pray with my wife. I just wanted to have God show me who He is and show me He was there for me. During my time of spiritual apathy, I still don't want to go to church, but the big difference is I pretended to be a good Christian. I still went to Bible studies and all that. That's the thing, it's easy to pretend. I did not learn anything about who God is and I didn't really care to have Him reveal anything to me. I think God will surprise us. Sometimes the surprise does not manifest itself in a positive way in our life plan. The realization that God wanted me in prison was extremely difficult to accept. But, the revelation of who God is during that time has changed my life. If you feel that you are in a spiritual winter, continue to talk with the great I Am. It will end and you will be renewed. If you are stuck in apathy, well, the trickiest part is recognizing that you are even there.

Jeff

The Body of Christ (#13)

2007-07-20T20:33:00.000-07:00

When I first knew that I would likely be spending time in prison, one of my first fears (there were many) was would the church, the body of Christ, be willing to help me and my family. I'm not talking about a specific church per se, but God's people, those who call themselves believers. I have been skeptical of the church, that is, God's people, and the churches they attend because most of the churches I have attended failed to meet the needs of the very people in the church. I even doubted God. I said, "who is going to be their Dad?"

After three months, I have seen the body of Christ act. It has humbled me, but also has made me proud to be a part of the body of Christ. While it's true that nobody can replace me as the physical "dad," there have been plenty of people who have played with them. In other words, the things I would do with my kids are being done. Most importantly, the spiritual model is there. I know my kids will grow up with a stronger sense for what the body of Christ can accomplish.

I have also witnessed the body of Christ a bigger than a church, or a group of friends in that church. My concept of the body of Christ was usually limited to whatever clique I was attached to at church. I never expected a pastor or elder to do anything or know anything about my struggles. However, I was wrong. From my church in Roseville to my current church in Carmel, I have seen people I don't even know take action to support me, to support others in the body of Christ. People at church I have never heard of were praying for our marriage and for God to work in my life: all of this is happening. Our marriage has survived some difficult times. There are still difficult times ahead, but I know my wife and I have discovered true unconditional love for each other.

I've also seen the body of Christ meet basic, physical needs. I'm so thankful for the financial support we have received as well as the visits to help my wife with the boys. I've had people I've never met provide money for me. How great is God when something like that happens!

The lesson I have learned is a simple one. I can trust that even though we are sinful, we, as the body of Christ, can still be used by God in tangible ways to help others. It's a testimony that has powerful effects. I'm putting into practice what I've experienced through many of you. I'm learning to display God's love through the body of Christ by helping others.

Jeff

3 Month Update (#12)

2007-07-14T15:07:00.000-07:00

I've been here three months now. I have passed Memorial Day, Father's Day, the Fourth of July (my wife's birthday as well is on the fourth), and my birthday (July ninth). I have seen my wife 5 times and my kids 3 times since I entered. I actually consider myself lucky. Some people go months without seeing their families and some guys cannot afford to call their wives. There are many things for which I am thankful. I have a different job now. Instead of picking up trash and watering trees, I now hand out recreation equipment. I like this job because it gives me time to write and read.

I have also joined a soccer league. I've been hurt for 3 weeks, but what fun it is for me to play soccer. I have met a lot of people through soccer and have become more known around camp. the Hispanics call me Beckham. Beckham is a famous English soccer player who recently signed a $250 million contract to play soccer in the US (he just arrived in the US and should play for the LA Galaxy on July 21st - if anyone cared - VCmoney edit). The call me Beckham because I'm the only white player that is decent and Beckham is the only white player they know. I'm thankful for the chance to play, but also to be accepted. It makes a big difference.

I haven't taken on any new roles in the church here. You have to wait 4 months before you are even considered. At this point, I'm content with meeting the new people and trying to make them feel welcomed. I have been praying with a guy here named Tim. That has been a real blessing and answer to prayer for me. I'm thankful for the encouragement he provides and his faithfulness in praying. I also attend 2 Bible studies, a worship service, and a prayer group. I really enjoy the prayer group. They have helped me through some of the more difficult times int he past 3 months.

I should start taking some classes later this month. I cannot say how grateful I am to those of you who have contributed financially to enable me to take classes. It has been a faith step for me to trust God with my whole life. Thank you for showing me how God uses his people to show his faithfulness. Some of the classes I will be taking are in marketing and advertising through Ohio University that are part of a degree program. I will also take some courses the prison offers that enable me to get different jobs here. One is gardening and anther is quilting. The courses the prison offers are free, but as you can see, they aren't really for job preparation, but to pass the time and for various jobs around the prison.

I also have to say I'm thankful for the fun mail I'm getting. For my birthday, I got the USA today. Thanks to my brother and Todd Nauck (an awesome comic book artist and friend) - (look him up at www.wildguard.com - VCmoney edit) I'm getting comic books sent every month. Several of you also keep me informed about the latest games and toys as well as life (Thanks Tim, John B, and Trace). I've tried to write everyone on my address list. I've still got a few more to go through, and I apologize to those that I have not written yet.

Several of you have asked what I need. I try to direct those to Scott (my brother) or my sister (Jill). But, if you want to send me something, here is what is acceptable: any book purchased through Amazon.com, Borders.com, Barnesandnoble.com (hardbound or paperback). Paperback books can be send directly to me (use media mail, it's the cheapest). Magazines must come through a subscription. You cannot send a stamped self-addressed envelope (I have no idea why). If you want to send me money to help with postage, the best way is to send a US Postal money order (any money order will do, but a postal order gets to me the fastest) made payable to Jeffrey Wells. Put your address as the return address. Then, mail it to me as if it were a letter (through the post office). I'm always looking for people to help Laura and the boys with gift cards to Target or Trader Joes. Laura really appreciates that. I just want to say thank you all and that God is blessing me here through you.

Jeff

My visit to see Jeff (#11)

2007-07-12T21:07:00.000-07:00

Over the 4th of July (long) weekend, my wife Beth and I flew to CA with our two children so that we could visit Jeff. We rented a car and piled into it with Jeff's wife and Jeff's two children. Starting from Carmel at 7:30 am it was about 55 degrees and foggy. By the time we got to Taft, it was about 111 degrees. It was quite an adjustment. After checking into a hotel, Laura (Jeff's wife), Jeff's two kids, and I drove over to the camp. It is about 4 miles or so from the hotel to the camp. As I mentioned in an earlier blog, a person could just walk away from the camp. It would be pretty easy to do so, but that would subject the escapee to a much higher degree of prison security, and a longer sentence. It's not worth it, but people do it.

I have never been to Taft before, so seeing the oil pumps reminded me of Bakersfield, except Taft is much smaller, and the terrain looks like scorched earth. Just barren. The drive up to the prison wasn't too bad for me, since I knew what to expect. There is a low security prison in front of Jeff's camp that holds non-citizen prisoners. Although it is low security, there are a lot of wires and protection because the inmates there are considered a high flight risk. To visit, we drove around this prison to the camp. You basically park outside of a building, and there are camp prisoners wandering about (they are taking care of the garden outside of the building). This is a hard job to get since there is a great degree of freedom. New inmates don't get this job. Off to the right there is a huge garden, it's as big as the recreation area, which I couldn't see all of, since it was behind the buildings, but Jeff told me that the garden was very large. I could see the garden, and it was at least as big as a football field, perhaps larger. In the middle, Jeff says, is a little pond, and there are paths through this garden. It has a lot of shade compared to the rest of camp, has fresh vegetables (which the prisoners are not supposed to take back to their bunks), and is very peaceful place compared to the rest of the camp. Jeff says that working in this garden is the best job, and the hardest to get. Anyway, that is what you see to the right of the building as you enter the prison facility. To the left there is a loading bay for the goods that the prisoners can buy, mail, food, etc.

As you walk into the building, the first thing I noticed again were the prisoners wandering about or waiting for something. I'm not quite sure. It was air conditioned (the second thing I noticed) and perhaps that explained the number of prisoners there. It is quite likely that they were all assigned to the lawn and plants just out front of the building, but were inside to escape the 111 degree sun. Since I am related to Jeff, I was cleared for a visit, but I didn't read my visitation rules very well and Laura told me that I could not wear shorts or my Adidas sandals. So, I borrowed some of Jeff's jeans and shoes before I went down. At any rate, I mention the clothes because the prisoners also have a strict dress code, they have to wear pants, and most wear some tan pants. They can wear tan or white t-shirts, but on a day like Friday (July 6th) they were almost entirely in white t-shirts. I later learned that I may have been mistaken for a prisoner in my khaki and white t-shirt that I wore while driving, and I understand why.

The room was very crowded this Friday. First, it was the 4th of July weekend, and second, we got there a little late for visitation. Visitation ends at 3, and we arrived at 12:30. We were still ushered right in to see Jeff, but he expected us about 12. We sat down at a table, and just began talking. Jeff looked the same to me, except much thinner than I had last seen him. One thing that struck me immediately was that the guards pay very little attention to what the inmates are doing, but in a minimum security camp, the prisoners know that being stupid and trying to bring in real contraband (drugs, alcohol, etc) would be a big mistake and not worth the risk. I wasn't even searched. Jeff is searched after every visit and must go through a drug scan as well.

The next thing I noticed was that every table was full of food that you would find at 7-11, stuff like candy bars, mini-bags of chips, and bagged sandwiches, hot dogs, etc. I couldn't figure out why the prisoners got so excited about this stuff, but Jeff told me that you get pretty sick of the food that they offer every day and so this 7-11 food is a nice treat. It also explained why you always bring some cash because they charge outrageous prices for this stuff. Jeff was craving a hamburger, and so we got him that (two of them - you can't buy only one) for $6. I ate one, and it wasn't bad. Jeff can get soda at this time pretty easily as well, even though they sell soda at the commissary. He still likes the freedom of being able to buy one whenever he wants without waiting for his turn to go to the commissary.

We spent about 2 hours and 15 minutes there on Friday. Jeff seemed in good spirits. We went back again on Sat at 8:30 and stayed until about 11:30. The hardest part about the visits with kids is that there is really nothing for them to do. There is a little room that the kids can go in and play and watch TV, but the prisoners can't go in there, so if you are bringing kids to see their dad, there is little point to send the kids away. At any rate, the prison visiting area does have crayons, books, and some puzzles, building blocks (well Jenga) and stuff to do at the tables.

I was very proud of my brother. Not only has he lost about 20 pounds in 3 months, but he is well thought of by many of the prisoners and seems to be well liked. It would be very easy for prisoners to ignore each other when they are spending precious time with their families, but a few prisoners made their way over to meet Jeff's twin (Jeff and I are identical), and to meet his wife and kids, if they hadn't already done so. Jeff knows people from playing soccer, from church, and from his dorm in general. He has gained some fame for being a decent Caucasian soccer player, but on this day, most of the guys were surprised what might have been Jeff's doppelganger. But, when they learned that we were identical twins, it just added more things for Jeff to talk to the guys about. I can't remember if Jeff has mentioned this, but prison is a place where being open, making friends, and talking about your personal life is not typical behavior. So, for the men to want to engage Jeff about his twin is a great starting point for him to engage these men.

Well, I'm not going to get to Jeff's blog, and I'm already behind one blog, so I'll get to one of them this weekend. I just wanted to share another story that Jeff talked about. As Jeff has mentioned previously, many of the guys look for creative ways to change the food options the prison gives them. Since they have access to microwaves, they try all kinds of things. Jeff says one guy in his dorm makes great tacos. It is quite an honor to have tacos with this guy, as Jeff says, because they are so good. Jeff says that if you have this honor, it is called, being in the car. So, the guy will go and say, hey what can you bring to ride in my car. Jeff will say, I can get some meat, or whatever they get. Jeff will ask, "who else is riding in your car?" which means either means who else is going to be eating tacos or what kind of tacos are we having, and could mean both. I'm not sure why I'm telling this story, but it really made Jeff smile that he was frequently offered to ride in this car and enjoy some tacos. A little variety for these men can make all the difference, and I just liked seeing my brother considered for a ride in the car.

This weekend, more from Jeff.

Two Interesting Fellows (#10)

2007-07-04T12:33:00.000-07:00

I'm going to visit my brother this weekend. I hope to share a bit about what I see and encounter. My wife and kids and I are taking Jeff's wife and kids down for a visit. Now onto the blog.

I want to share a story that opened my eyes. There is a young guy here who is a friend of one of my bunkies. This young guy is always borrowing things from me. He's self-centered, so he never offers anything in return. Unfortunately, I got to the point where I expected something from him. About two weeks ago, he went into my locker and borrowed my scissors without asking anyone. That's a huge faux pas here. The next day he left a coke on my locker. I knew his intent was not to give it to me in exchange for borrowing my scissors, but the next morning, I drank the coke. The guy came by later and wanted his coke. He was really upset. He told some of his friends, one of which started giving me a hard time about my job. Now, my boss has never complained about how I do my job, but this guy had a problem with me. One thing I knew, I was not handling the situation in a Christ-like manner. I shared with my prayer team that I felt that I was under some spiritual attack.

Later that weekend, after praying a lot about the situation, I saw the guy who was harassing me at my job. I had already returned the coke to the young guy and apologized for drinking it, so I had tried to allay that animosity. When I saw the guy who was harassing me, I felt that Spirit saying I should talk to him. So I did. You could tell the guy was expecting a confrontation, but I asked him how long he watered each tree. I told him I would water longer.

This past week I spend extra time watering and working the trees. I believe I've reconciled with both of these guys. Both have been much more cordial. I'm not their friends, but I hope that my behavior did reflect Christ. The informal rules of prison would have exonerated my behavior of drinking the coke, and the advice I got from my bunkies confirmed that. In fact, my bunkies told me that I should cuss the guy out and tell him to mind his own business, not sparing any expletives. I was also justified by legitimate prison rules in drinking the coke. However, there are times when you have to be humble and accept persecution and still do what Christ would do. Although, at times, it may be hard to do that.

Jeff

Why I'm here (#9)

2007-06-24T13:01:00.000-07:00

It occurred to me that some of you may not know why I'm blogging from Taft Correctional Institution's Camp. The reason began over 4 years ago. I was working for a company managing their cash investments, among other things. At this point in time the interest rates on cash investments were very low (less than 1% on 1 yr treasury bills - VCmoney edit). I thought I had found a way to make a higher return without adding additional risk to our investment portfolio. In order to make this investment I would have to disregard the company's investment policy. Well, that was rather prideful, and I thought I could do better than our brokers and money managers. I also wrongly thought that this was the way the business world worked. I tried to separate my Christian values from work. That was an incorrect deduction. I made the investment knowing that it was unethical and not worthy of Christ. I did not know it was illegal to do what I did, but I can see, looking back, how it was. The investment did not work out the way I had hoped. The investment lost $2 million. This is a huge amount of money to anyone. I was dealing with millions of dollars every day in my job as it was. I probably moved $20 million around every week, but still, $2 million is a lot to lose. Because I had not followed the investment policy, and because I tried to hide the fact that I did not follow the investment policy, I was arrested for wire fraud in early 2004. I fought the case for 3 years. I knew that my intent was not to defraud this company, but my actions did not make it easy to prove that. Anyway in Feb. 2007, I was sentenced to 3 years in a Federal Prison Camp for my actions.

There is a similarity in what I did to our Christian lives. We may have the best of intentions in our hearts. We may want to minister to our friends, help the poor, fight social injustice, give our lives to the Lord, support missions projects, pray for people in the church, etc., etc. However, what we want to do and what we actually do is the difference between living for yourself and thinking you are living for Christ and actually living for Christ. I only know this because I deal with it every day and have been hit in the face with my actions because I did not follow my words with my deeds. You can't profess to be a Christian in a prison without having the actions to support it. What you believe and what you do are inseparable. It's the same outside of prison.

Jeff

Some Other Prisoners (#8)

2007-06-16T19:30:00.000-07:00

Before I get to the blog, I have only received one blog update from Jeff in the past 10 days or so. I have talked to him a couple of times and written a few letters. Here is what Jeff has been talking and writing about. He wants to read comics. He says those are nice, quick reads, and he is able to trade them for other things pretty easily (I guess there is somewhat of a barter economy in the camp). Also, there is a card game based on Star Wars that he would like to have his son, Connor get. I don't know too much about the Star Wars game to try to explain here, but if you want to get Connor a couple of packs, you can find information about it at Wizkidsgames.com.

Also, he is playing on a soccer team in the camp. His team is pretty good, and they call him Beckham (which they mean as a compliment). I think he would prefer to be called Lampard or Gerrard. But how many people outside of England know who they are? Anyway, on to the blog.

I want to share specifically about some of the men I've met here. God has answered one prayer. I had been praying for a friend with whom I could pray and share, find encouragement and just process what is happening. About a month ago, God put on my heart a guy named Tim. He had been going to all of the Christian services like me. He seemed to be a quiet guy. So, one day I asked him if he wanted to get together once a week to pray. he gave an enthusiastic yes. So, we have been praying every Friday. It's been a great time for me. Tim is here because he could not pay his child support, which is ironic because now he really can't. However, Tim has a great attitude and views his "encampment" as a blessing. He has learned so much about God. I had the privilege of giving him an NIV Bible. He was thrilled. He wanted me to sign it in the front part where it says "presented by" etc. It was an honor and humbling at the same time. An honor in that I was able to give him something that gave him so much excitement, but humbling in that I have so many NIV Bibles at my house that I consider them to be clutter. There are people who want bibles. In fact, I could use another 2 or 3 to give away.

That leads me to another guy I met. My loving wife told me before I came to Taft that she wanted me to spend time talking with these men, getting to know them, and sharing my life in Christ with them. One night about one and half months ago, a friend of my cube mate's was sitting in our cube. I started talking to him even though I was in the middle of a letter. He shared a lot about his life, a life of drugs it turns out. He has 2 kids an is divorced, but is engaged to be married in July (he's only here for 2 more months). I shared about my family and how I felt there was a purpose for me here. In the middle of our discussion I realized that I was late for church. I said I had to go to church. He asked if he could come. He's been coming ever since. I would really like to give him an NIV Bible and the purpose driven life book. you don't have to buy these for me, but if you have them around in paperback, you can send them to me, they will go to good use. I would also like to ask for prayer for him. His name is Ron.

There are two other men, Steve and Ken, that I would like prayer for. They cam in about the same time I did. They didn't go to church until about a month ago. Since that time I've tried to talk to them. Both of them are going to attend a bible study with me on Thursdays. It's kind of a discussion oriented bible study. I think it will be good for them to be able to ask questions and hear feedback from other men who are also going along the spiritual journey. Ken also wants an NIV Bible. I think Steve may want one at some point as well. (By the way, they give us New King James versions here for free, but new or non-believers find them difficult to read).

Those are some of the men I've met. Please continue to pray that every day I would reflect who Christ is in action and word here.

Jeff

Humility & Trust (#7)

2007-06-03T14:04:00.000-07:00

Before I get to Jeff's latest blog entry, I wanted to share my recent phone conversation with Jeff's wife, Laura. I asked her what I could be praying about for her. She said she just needs help. So, I would ask that anyone who lives near Laura to help her by watching her kids for an hour or two so that Laura can get groceries or run errands or just go have some alone time. I think that would be very rewarding for her. Now onto the blog.

I am starting to see some of God's purpose in the ordeal. I know that this is a growing period for me. The first part of my learning process actually started long before I was sentenced. I had been praying that if God wanted me to go to prison, I would go. I kept asking God, "what about my family." I am slowly learning to trust the Creator of the universe to take care of my family. I'm slowly learning to simply trust. Trust that God has a purpose for me here and trust that God will take care of my family.

After being here, I have to say I'm also learning humility. While a prison camp has no real safety issues, one of the few ways you can have issues is with pride. If you think you are better than people, you will find problems. Demanding respect is futile. There is a more subtle aspect to humility though. This is probably true even in situations on the "outside." There are situations every day where being humble, being willing to be wrong, being willing to accept someone making fun of you, being willing to be different from the "norm" or the willingness to accept wrongs against you, demonstrates humility. Most people would call this weakness. I'll tell you that I'm surrounded by people who lie, cheat, and take advantage of you, but they notice true humility anyway. Yes, sometimes people will take advantage of that. I've been cheated on buying tennis shoes. But for every time I've been cheated, I've been given things because other people saw my humility and integrity. More than what I get in return is the example I set. Poeple know here if you go to church. Like Christians on the outside, Christians here are under a microscope too (perhaps even more so).

I'm also learning compassion. You know pjeople are hurting here. However, mnay guys cover itup by keeping busy or by just being "a man." I took my wife's advice and I make every effort to talk to people. Sometimes it's superficial, but when I say I'm afraid, scared, or sad, I find there are guys who are hurting. They are searching. At that point compassion becomes the simple act of listening. When you remember a conversation when a guy has opened up and you ask him about it, you have taken a huge step in showing that you care. You have to remember or understand that to many of these men, nobody cares. The justice system has let them down. Many have unsupportive families. The staff here for the most part doesn't care (although I did find a counselor in another dorm who did). They are alone. When you show them you care, you can tell them that God cares, but you have to show true compassion first.

There are a few guys here for whom I would like you to pray. I'm only going to talk about one of them. He has been an answer to prayer. I had asked God for a friend. Someone who was like-minded spiritually. God answered with a man named Tim. Tim is a guy who seemed alone. H went to all the church stuff like I did. It took a few weeks but after I learned his name, I felt God urging me to ask him if he wanted to pray once a week. He gladly accepted. We've me twice. I find it a very rewarding experience. We share about out joys and fears about situations we faced during the week and about the messages at church. It's been a great time and one I look frward to each week. I'll share about some of the other guys next time.

Jeff

Family Visit (#6)

2007-05-28T12:11:00.000-07:00

I finally got a letter from Jeff about Jeff's family visiting. It took a little while for Jeff to send me this because of the postal rate change, and the prison did not get enough 41 cent stamps.

Anyway, Jeff's family visited a little over a week ago, on Friday May 18th. Here are Jeff's words about the visit and what is going on.

Laura and the boys visited this past Friday (May 18th). I have to say that Friday night and Saturday after were very difficult days, probably the toughest since my first weekend. The visit went well, though. Connor was a little hesitant for the first half hour, but we started playing together after a while. After 2 1/2 hours, Laura's mom came and picked up the boys while Laura and I talked. When they came back to get Laura a few hours later, Connor ran back into the room to see me. I picked him up and hugged him and told him he had to go with mommy. That just broke my heart. The event was not without a positive outcome. I attend a a prayer meeting on Friday nights. I had never shared a request until that Friday after Laura and the kids left. One of the brothers (as we call each other) came over and hugged me while all of the guys prayed. It was a powerful moment for me. I feel I made a significant step in finding hope and encouragement within the church here, which has been a prayer of mine since before I even arrived.

I've been learning a lot about trusting God. The simple truth is that God has me here for a reason. The pastor at the church here gave a sermon about accepting God's will and embracing the purpose He has for me here. If God has a purpose for me, then I need to trust that He will provide for my family in ways I can't imagine. I know many of us feel that God's purpose for our lives is to provide for our families. You may want to ponder that. What if that isn't God's purpose for you? Would you know? Sometimes we may put people in our lives ahead of God We know that money, success, cars, homes, etc can be idols that we worship. Consider that your family may also be something that you put ahead of God. I know I struggle with this. I'm not saying that you should not love and provide for your family; however, you should always look at priorities. Here is easier, but not easy. I have lots of time on my hands. you would think I would spend a lot of time reading the Bible. Well, it's not true. I struggle to prioritize here. How much more so when you have a family, a job, and all the other things in life that desire your time? One thing I did make a priority because my wife asked me to is to spend time talking and listening to these men here. I will talk more about that in the next blog.

Life at Camp (#5)

2007-05-24T19:54:00.000-07:00

The most common question I find myself writing the answer to is "What is life like there?" I'm "encamped" at a federal prison camp. Taft is a minimum security prison camp. By minimum I mean it. There are probably 550 prisoners (last count as of 5/24/07 was 589 - VCmoney edit) here and from what I can tell, only 6 guards. From what I can tell, the guards spend most of their time standing around. This is not because they are lazy, but what else are they to do?

The inmates live in 4 dorms. The dorms is like a gym with cement cubicles in each dorm. There is no ceiling to each cubicle. In that respect, it's like a big office with rows of cubicles. However, here there it is perfectly acceptable to yell for someone 10 cubicles away.

Some of the cubicles house 3 people and some only 2. The longer one is here, the better the cubicle assignment. I live in a cube with 2 other guys. We have a bunk bed and another bed on a metal cot. I sleep on the top bunk. The bunk bed people have a fairly spacious locker. The other cot has only two drawers. Clearly the lower bunk on the bunk bed is the best. Usually these go to older men with health issues. There is also a small desk in each cube as well as a few posts on the walls to hang towels and jackets.

The dorm also has a large bathroom with 7 urinals and 7 stalls. The stalls are completely closed as you would find in an office restroom. The showers are also stalls. You probably have more privacy here than you do in most fitness clubs. The bathrooms are typically clean, mainly because the inmates clean them 3 times a day. Nonetheless, everyone wears shower sandals when they take a shower.

The dorm also has 3 television rooms and one multipurpose room. The multipurpose room has 3 televisions also. The multipurpose room also has a table where people play games. The other tv rooms are split for hispanics, african-americans, and whites. I have gone into the hispanic room to watch soccer a lot. So, it's not like you are going to get beat up. There is also a quiet room, and I go there to read and write.

Sleeping is a challenge. People are up all night long. The kitchen crew wakes up at 3 am. People stay up and watch movies. So, in order to sleep, you have to get used to noise. The mattresses leave a lot to be desired. It's a foam mattress with a plastic cover. There are a few cloth mattresses, but they are hard to get.

The food is not horrible. They have a 4 week rotating schedule, but breakfast tends to be repetitive. I don't know how to describe the food. It's a lot like food you would have at a retreat or camp. That have some great vanilla cake, and I'm partial to the coffee cake. So far some of the new foods I've eaten are grapefruit, cantaloupe, honeydew, Lima beans, grits, and 3-bean salad. There are a lot of people who cook in the dorms. The commissary offers a lot of food, oddly , no Dr. Pepper and no cereal - although on occasion the will have cereal - like this week I got Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Some people will eat all of their meals in the dorms. This is very expensive, but it is amazing what people can do with a microwave and some hot water. I don't see much difference between the chow hall and the dorm in terms of taste. I think the dorm is different, which around here means a lot. (Jeff does buy some snacks at the commissary, like cookies and sodas at times for variety - VCmoney addition)

What do I do all day? That is the big question most of the time. The recreation yard is pretty good. They have a softball field, a tennis court, a basketball court, a volleyball court, a horseshoe pit, boccie ball, and a small soccer field. Mingled in are some grassy areas with tables and chairs. There are a number of trees on the rec. yard as well. Around all of this is a 1/3 mile track. It's made of compressed dirt and sand, not a real track that you would find at a college. They also have a racquetball/handball court and several stairmaster and stationary bikes. there is actually a lot of opportunity to exercise. You can check out tennis rackets and some other equipment. You have to buy tennis balls and handballs. I spend my time walking and playing soccer. I'm also in an exercise class, which is probably the hardest thing I've done. I still haven't finished a full session.

There is also an indoor recreation area, but I don't go there much. Inside they have 3 pool tables and a Foosball table. you can check out guitars or play on a drum set as well. They also have a woodworking/leather working room. You have to be here 120 days and then you can apply for access to that. The same is true for the "hobby shop." There is no shop, but you can order specialized hobby supplies when you qualify. This might include special paper, paint, yarn, etc. I'm going to sign up for this when I am here long enough to qualify.

If you are a more studious inmate, they have an education department. They do offer some some classes from Taft CC. They aren't great, but the popular classes are excel and word, probably because you get to work on a computer which is foreign to a prisoner (Federal prisons do not allow computers at the camp, and there certainly is no internet access or email - VCmoney addition). Some inmates teach classes such as the exercise class I take. Some classes are yoga, herbology, horticulture, beekeeping, and truck driving. Herbology appears to be popular. You can also take classes from schools who offer correspondence courses, like the ones I hope to take through Ohio U. Some guys here have multiple masters of theology degrees, but that is expensive.

Also in the education department is a library. The library has 2 sections, the legal library and the regular library. I use the regular library frequently. They get the Wall St. Journal, so I read that daily. I read books from there occasionally. I mainly read books from the chapel library. The chapel library is also part of the education dept. It has it's own small library that serves all religions.

The chapel deserves special mention. In the chapel there is a tithe box run by the non-denominational church I attend (inmates are not allowed to give money to other inmates - VCmoney addition) The tithe box contains essential items that any new prisoner would need. The main things are shower shoes, soap holder, and deodorant (all of which a the inmate must purchase). This was the only good thing I found on my first day (I do not recall if I mentioned this in the blog, or an email, but Jeff's money order took about 2 weeks to arrive, so he had no money to buy these sorts of essentials, not a great way to start out in prison - VCmoney addition). I'm thankful for the things the tithe box provide for me. I have since provided pencils, (I couldn't get a pencil for several days), stamps, socks, and toothbrushes. these were things I would have liked on my first day. They are gone already.

I believe I wrote about the church in my first blog contribution. That's another thing to do. I should comment on the "program." You have heard the phrase, "Get with the program." That is true here. Your case manager and counselor track your "programs." They want to know you are involved. It sounds nice, but if you don't get programmed, you get the bad jobs and bad bed assignments. In order for them to determine if you are getting programmed, you sign a sheet every time you attend something. My exercise class is a program. All of the church services are programs, so I'm getting programmed. Quite frankly, this place reminds me of the movie called the Island with Ewan MacGregor and Scarlet Johansen.

I'll end this blog supplement talking about work. There are numerous work assignments. The good and bad of them depends on who you are and what you want to do here. For example, working in the garden is hard, long work, but there is a waiting list because you get to leave the general compound. The guys who have done this say you don't even know you are in prison. On the other hand, you may have to clean the bathrooms. It's messy work, but only an hour a day.

My work assignment is cleaning and watering a portion of the rec. yard. What I actually do is a bit different. I have 2 rose gardens in my area. So, in the morning I weed one rose garden and pick up trash. In the afternoon, I water about 15 trees, pick up trash and weed the rose garden. It takes about 2-3 hours a day. Most people complain about their job assignments. I don't mind my job. It's hot in the afternoon, but I hang out in the shade of the trees. I water and listen to my radio. It's quite pleasant. I also take pride in the rose gardens. They have been neglected, so it's nice to see them looking cared for. Taking pride in your work is almost non-existent here. Basically, people perform to what they get paid, and since most inmates make 12 cents an hour, there isn't much motivation (A prisoner who does a poor job does not get increased time, and a prisoner who does a good job does not get his time reduced. It's not what Americans are used to with incentives and such - VCmoney addition).

Jeff

I just got a letter from Jeff today with another blog update about his visit with Laura. I will add that this weekend. Scott.

Some Questions (#4)

2007-05-21T21:33:00.001-07:00

I just received a letter from Jeff for the blog with answers to some questions, but I don't have time tonight to transcribe it. So, here are some things Jeff can and cannot have:

Send: letters, pictures, pencil drawings, internet articles, paperback books, hardbound books (only from Amazon or publisher), magazines, comic books (he'd really like some of these).

Do NOT send: stickers, CD's, tapes, stamps, glued crafts, food of any kind, newspapers, or articles clipped from a newspaper (photocopied is okay), gum. This list is not exhaustive, but answers to some specific questions. Several have asked about CD's. You can donate CD's to the Taft chapel, but can't send them to Jeff. Whether he finds such CD's is a different question. You can also donate movies and the like to the prison as well, but don't send that stuff to Jeff.

I'll post more about Jeff's typical day in the next post.

Family Visit (udpate #3)

2007-05-17T19:59:00.000-07:00

I have not received a new update for the blog from Jeff, but I am expecting one very soon. I just want to give some quick answers to those that had some questions.

I sent a paperback book to Jeff that was not from a publisher, but from my house. He received it. That is significant because the federal prison system does not allow that. So, some of you have asked about sending my brother books. It is okay, but I would remind anyone who wants to send Jeff a book that is be paperback and that you write him first to ask about sending it because he has limited space in which to store his personal items. But, I'm sure that the books will be welcome when he has the space to receive them.

Also, I still have no idea if Jeff can listen to CD's. I'm working on that. I'm doubtful, but I will check.

Also, I am working on getting Jeff enrolled in some college courses on marketing from Ohio University. It looks like he will take between 5 and 7 classes, and I am just waiting for him to pick them. He should begin classes by the end of June (it takes 4 weeks for the school to deliver the materials). The total cost appears to be about $4200. This covers the books, shipping, and correspondence writing between Jeff and the professor. If you want to help, I will welcome the gifts. I hate asking for money, but in this case, I just can't cover the expense myself. If you want to help, shoot me an email at scott_wells@hotmail.com

Lastly, Jeff's family is supposed to go for a visit this weekend (probably Friday morning 5/18). This will be significant because it is the first time Jeff's 4 year old son (Connor) will have seen Jeff since he went to the camp over a month ago now. Jeff has repeatedly told me that the weekends are the hardest because there is so much time to kill. When Laura visited two weeks ago, Jeff said it was the easiest weekend by far. Plus, Jeff is excited to see his kids. So, I hope to give an update on this soon.

Update on Jeff

2007-05-10T19:16:00.000-07:00

I have talked to both Jeff and Laura recently, and so I wanted to give an update on what Jeff is doing. He hasn't given me an official update for this blog, so these are my words and opinion.

Some of you may already know that Laura was able to visit Jeff on Friday, May 4th. I just got a letter from Jeff, the first he has written and I have received since that visit. He said it made his weekend. Laura said that she was able to sit and talk with Jeff at a table, and there were some gardens around. I'm not saying it was idyllic, as it was still a prison, but much better than Laura had expected. I'm preparing for a visit in July, so I'm thankful that Laura can help prepare me for what to expect. Some of you may know, but Jeff's camp is located behind a medium security level prison, so there are walls with barbed wire and guard towers, etc. around it. Jeff's camp is behind this, and has no walls. So, upon arrival, all one sees is the medium security prison. As both my mom and Laura have now told me, it is a somewhat daunting approach to the camp in which Jeff is located.

Speaking of gardens, Jeff has recently informed me that he takes care of two rose gardens for his job. I'm not sure if he still picks up trash or takes care of the gardens or both. At any rate, he sometimes feels like he is somewhere else when in the tranquility of the garden, which he says is a nice distraction from prison life. I have heard that prison offers some pretty vulgar language, and I was hoping that a camp would be different. Jeff has informed me that I was wrong, so any distraction from that is probably welcome.

Jeff still asks for prayer for a Christian friend. He says is starting to recognize faces, but one guy who reached out to him and whom Jeff liked was recently released. So, Jeff is still looking for a Christian friend. He asks for your continued prayers for that.

Jeff's first update

2007-05-03T18:14:00.000-07:00

This is Jeff's first update. Before I type what Jeff has given me, I'll just update you on what Jeff is up to. His day begins at 6:30 for breakfast. He has a job picking up trash in the recreation area. I'm not sure if he does this in the morning or in the afternoon. At any rate, at 10:30 he eats lunch. He walks about 5 miles a day, I think he breaks this into a couple of walking sessions. He does not have athletic shoes in which to jog, yet. At 4:30 he eats dinner. He does not have any say in when he eats, that is how it works. Interspersed throughout the day are prisoner counts. There are no walls in the camp, so he is not bound by that, but the prisoners are not to go beyond a line.

He welcomes letters, and he says the weekends are very slow. Jeff wants to answer most of the recurring questions on the blog. Anyway, here is what he had to say on April 28.

I want to share with you my spiritual perspective of life in a federal prison camp. I've only been in this institution for 2 weeks, nonetheless, I think my initial experience relates to many of you who are looking for something different with regard to your spiritual growth. There is a fairly good sized church here (the camp has about 589 prisoners ; VCmoney's edit). Like most most churches I've attended, however, they don't do a very good job of welcoming new people. I'm not sure what the reason is. I continue to to attend every meeting possible (of which there are 5 a week). I go mainly for two reasons. First, I want to meet some people with whom I can share, pray, encourage, and, in turn, be encouraged. Second, I go to get some positive input. What I mean is that there is so much swearing, sexual innuendo, etc. that I just don't wnt to hear it anymore.

There have been some good messages. I'll share a few that impacted me. One of the first messages was on the commandments. The ??? commandment says you shall have no other idol before God. Now we all know that money, careers, homes, possessions, etc. can become idols. The speaker pointed out that our families can also be idols. In other words, we can put our families before God. I struggled with this long before I was sentenced to prison. I still do. I prayed that if God wanted me to serve Him in prison, I would accept that. However, I still have difficulty trusting God to take care of my family. I cannot trust the creator of the universe, a God who cares about a sparrow falling from a tree, a God who numbers the hairs on our head, to take care of my family. Oddly, though, I have seen him take care of my family in spite of my faith. This is obviously something of which I will have to let go.

Another profound messag, which I think applies to everyone, is that God has me here for a purpose. Many of the men here talk about the injustices that occurred to get them to a place like this. Some of the leaders in the church who have 15 year sentences or longer, realize that God is working. Even in the 2 weeks I've been here I can see how God is using this church to change lives in a drastic way.

I don't recall having a sense of purpose when I was working. I guess the purpose was to support my family. I often thought I was called to support missionaries. I didn't do much of that the last several years. I believe I persuaded myself that taking care of my family was all I had to do to serve God. Then my family became more important to me than God. I don't know what purpose I will have for God when I get out, but for now, I'm content to know God has a purpose for me. I pray that I would be worthy of the gospel and when he reveals that purpose I will be ready to serve.

Jeff